Archive for May, 2010

31
May
10

Tomorrow is Yesterday reviewed

Hey there, Trek fans. I’m back with another review request.

Tomorrow is Yesterday comes to us from season one of TOS and it’s… special. It’s another one of those episodes that I’m never quite sure how to feel about. It’s more than a little insane. The time travel aspect is cool, but it’s done in a way that makes me question how much they really thought all of this out. But more than anything, I can’t help but think the person in charge of Spock’s dialogue called in sick that week and Kirk’s write took over. His faulty logic actually had me yelling at the TV more than once. But I digress.

On to the review.

Hrm, I know I put in the season one disk so why am I seeing 20th century planes and who are these air force guys? UFOs? Fighter jets?

Oh wait… there’s the music. Aaaaaaaand there’s the Enterprise.

Nice fake out guys. But one thing… Wouldn’t a space vessel, designed for space travel, be having some rather serious trouble in Earth’s atmosphere (we’re going to just skip past the fact that the exterior shots of the Enterprise in the sky are ridiculously awful)?

Cut to opening credits.

We come back to the Captain’s exposition… er… log where Kirk explains that on their way to resupply at Star Base 9 they were caught in a Black Star’s gravity. Full reverse warp power snapped them away from the sun and threw them back in time (now we can look forward to Star Trek IV). The ship’s power is down and the crew has been thoroughly tossed around the bridge. Kirk, as usual is up and about before anyone else but slowly the goldbricks he calls a crew get off their lazy asses and start checking for damage.

Impulse power only, systems are down and Spock casually points out that if the power doesn’t come back on, Scotty is probably dead. You know, because he’s the only one who knows how to flip the breaker or something, the rest of engineering is purely decorative.

Phew, the lights come back on. Scotty isn’t dead. Praise the… oh, wait, you’re not even going to take note of it are you? Alright, carry on.

Kirk orders Uhura to contact Starfleet to let them know about the Black Star and Spock lets the captain know that there are only minor injuries being reported around the ship and that engineering is reporting that warp engines are dead. Scotty is holding them in orbit with impulse power (which is what they usually hold orbit with, just sayin’).

Holding where?

Earth of course! They were on a relative course to Earth and the slingshot effect landed them right there. Luckily there were no other planets, stars or space debris in between their last position and Earth and they came to a stop before crashing in to the planet. Wait, now that you mention it, they are a bit low (ie, right in Earth’s atmosphere…*sigh*) but they can pull away. The controls are sluggish, but not to worry!

Uhura reports that normal Starfleet communications are dead. She’s getting something else but it’s not Starfleet. Kirk wants a listen so she puts it on audio.

But what’s this? A news report on the first manned moon space shuttle launch? Turn that shit off!

That can mean only one thing! They’ve gone back in time to the late 1960s! (You’d think Kirk would look a little more excited about being tossed in to an era of such free love.) And that’s not all! They’ve been spotted and a fighter jet is approaching!

Cut to the fighter jet. He’s got a pretty clear view of the ship and they aren’t going anywhere in a hurry. He moves in closer for a better view of the cardboard cut out in the sky and reports his findings to ground control. They want him to force the ship to land (because that’s a perfectly reasonable thing for one fighter jet to accomplish when faced with a star ship big enough to carry a crew of hundreds) or to shoot it down (*sigh*).

Spock warns Kirk that the plane has got missiles and possibly nuclear war heads. If hit with one, he could scratch the paint and they simply don’t have time to deal with that kind of bullshit at the moment. So Kirk, in his infinite wisdom, orders Scotty to catch the tiny plane with the tractor beam and hold it.

Uh, captain, that ship really wasn’t built to stand up that kind of strain.

Too late though. Scotty is being extra efficient and already has the plane secured.

Yep, you’re crushing it like an egg.

Don’t worry, Kirk will beam the pilot up to the ship. Yeah! How could that possibly go wrong? Kirk runs off to meet his new 20th Century buddy.

Meanwhile Mr. Kyle, always the prankster, beams yesterday man aboard facing the wrong way around. Kirk introduces himself to yesterday man’s back and he seems a little shocked that Kirk speaks english. (This is the point where I always wish Chekov were there to say hello.)

Yesterday man introduces himself as Captain Christopher, rattling off his serial number. But chill, dude, we’re all friends here (spoken like a true commie). No, I’m not really going to explain anything right now but let me just say how sorry we are about that whole crushing your plane thing, no one told me it couldn’t stand up to the strain (*coughliarcough*).

Now, just to recap, they’ve been tossed back in time, crushed a plane, kidnapped a person from the 20th century and are in danger of fucking their entire future so this really does call for some serious care, thought and planning. Good thing they have Kirk to lead them or they would be in serious trouble.

We’ll tell you what we decide to tell you in a few moments.

Oh yeah, they’re all going to be fine.

Since the plane has completely broken up (broken up, mind you, not disintegrated or anything) Kirk orders them to shut off the tractor beam and let the hunks of plane fall where they may. He then head up to the bridge with Christopher in tow.

Along the way they encounter one of many nameless female crew members.

Good morning, Captain.

A woman? A crewman. Good thing that wasn’t awkward. (Am I the only one who just naturally assumes that what Kirk left out ‘that I banged last night… four times.’?)

In the turbo lift Kirk has apparently made up his mind about what “they” are going to tell him. There are 12 ships like the Enterprise in the fleet. They aren’t part of the Navy, it’s combined service. You know, with the United Earth Space Probe Agency.

United Earth?

Well that’s difficult to explain. See, we accidentally warped ourselves back in time to this place.

Good this Christopher is willing to believe whatever. Except anything about little green men.

Cue Spock.

They’ve moved out of Earth’s atmosphere and Scotty wants to talk to Kirk about the engines. (I love watching Christopher in the background after being surprised by a female crewman, dealing with Uhura…) Spock also takes the opportunity to mention that they really can’t be sending Captain Christopher back down to the planet. He knows too much and if he screws with the past the future as they know it will be gone (Kirk must have missed that episode of the Simpsons).

But Kirk doesn’t really want to hear it. He’s more interested in Christopher changing in to something more comfortable and meeting him in his quarters with Spock (cue porn beat).

Christopher and Spock head to Kirk’s quarters just in time to hear another riveting Captain’s log. Kirk’s having trouble with the computer though – After their brief affair it’s developed feelings for him and started calling him dear. But that’s not how James T. rolls. Spock investigated the problem and it’s going to take a major overhaul to fix. Once that woman’s thinking creeps in to the computer system, it can be a bitch to dig out.

Spock explains to Christopher that the computer had been repaired on Cygnet XIV, a female dominated planet. They decided to give the computer a personality “Female, of course.” (Gotta love how annoyed Spock seems about that) And, of course, a planet dominated by women would give a computer a submissive, sex kitten, giggly personality. *double sigh*

Kirk isn’t interested in talking about the computer though. He has some bad news. Chris, you’re stuck with us. You’ve seen too much and you can’t go back. You could fuck up everything. And, frankly, that’s Kirk’s job.

Well, then my disappearance would change something, too.

Wow… It’s almost like he’s been paying attention or something.

Spock checked. Nope. Sorry, dude, you don’t make ANY relevant contributions to ANYTHING, EVER. It’s like you don’t even matter a little bit. (Spock, I love you, but did you even think about that before you said it?) But Chris isn’t buying it. He wants to go home and he’s going to have to report everything, future be damned. What would Kirk do? (Don’t think about that too much, you’ll give yourself a headache.)

I’d… report… if I could. (I’m not making this up – that is EXACTLY what the subtitles say. The subtitled it IN SHATNER. Made my whole day)

But Chris has a wife and kids. What about them?

I’m sorry. (Sorry that he was dumb enough to get married and have kids, apparently.)

Scotty interrupts via intercom. The repairs are coming along and they should be good to go in about 4 hours but… but where are they gonna go? Good thing Chris is above rubbing that one in Kirk’s face… no, wait… I mean the opposite of that.

(I’m just going to briefly mention the throw-away scene after the commercial break. Kirk, still annoyed with the computer getting to familiar, suggests that it be corrected or scrapped and actually hurts its feelings. That’s just how he rolls, ladies.)

Spock rings Kirk up via intercom to let him know he’s discovered something about Chris and needs to see them both immediately. Kirk is going to buzz Chris and they can all have a little chat. Kirk sent him to his room, after all, so he knows where to find him. Unless, of course, the guy you just told he’s essentially a prisoner, who isn’t particularly happy about that and who really wants to get the fuck off the ship ignored you and is trying to escape.

ooooohhhhhhh shit…. yeah. Security alert.

Enter Ensign Ricky (I know, I was worried he wouldn’t get his time to shine too) who lives up to the proud tradition of all Ensign Rickys before him. He folds after one punch and a judo chop. Chris grabs his phaser and heads for the transporter room. Mr. Kyle, still on duty is caught a little off guard by Chris and his transporter demands. But Kirk isn’t far behind Ricky and shows up in time to do was he does best – punch a dude in the face.

Cut to sickbay. Chris is taking a time out in one of the beds and McCoy explains that he’ll be fine except for, you know, being punched in the face.

But he tried to escape. Kirk can’t just let him go. He knows to much. (Funny how he didn’t see that one coming after crushing Chris’ plane, beaming him aboard and showing him around the place.)

But what if we can’t get back?

Jim, don’t you just hate it when Bones clouds the issue with fact?

If they’re stuck, where are they going to go? 430 people would fuck things up a lot worse than one person, right? (Although, really, they’re only trying to preserve their future for themselves. In the event that they all had to stay and fucked with the future it wouldn’t matter any more because no one would notice any change. Right?)

Taking Chris with them would make Chris useless. (Again with that, eh Chris? Don’t worry buddy, we think you’re plenty useful.) He couldn’t possibly have a place in the future. And could he be trained to forget his wife and kids? (I can’t help but think that Kirk was seriously asking.)

Chris, up from his little nap, doesn’t think so.

Meanwhile Spock show up to let them all in on what he’s discovered. Chris isn’t useless! Well, not completely anyway. He needs to get back to Earth to keep making babies. Despite being an almost entirely useless human being, his kid isn’t. His kid who hasn’t been born yet.

Spock points out that it’s not quite so simple as dropping him as a bus stop and riding off in to the sunset, however. They tracked down the wreckage of his plane after they let it go. Luckily it crashed in an open field and not in a small town. *facepalm* Also, Chris turned on his cameras when he caught a look at the ship.

Well that’s just too damned depressing. How about we talk about our problem, Spock?

Theory – a reverse application of what happened the first time. (Ummm… what? How do you reverse pulling away from a Black Star’s gravity and flying back through time? Wouldn’t you just end up even further back in time? Is it a directional thing? Like time moves north to south?) Oh and there are a hundred variables that might get them even furhter up shit creek without a paddle.

Kirk decides that the first order of business is to steal back the tapes that Chris made. If Chris reports what happened, he won’t have any evidence (ie a crackpot). Kirk won’t take Chris along with him, just to be safe but Chris, being a good-natured sort of waste of space, agrees to draw them a layout of the place so they can steal back all the tapes.

Kirk takes Sulu and off they go (without bothering to put on period appropriate clothes so if they were to, you know, be spotted they could pretend that they belonged there). After finding the tape room, they pack up what they need in Sulu’s purse. But before they can make their super stealthy escape, Armed Guard shows up to thwart our heroes. He wants their belts and Sulu’s purse.

Up on the ship, Bones is worried they’ve been too long. Mr. Kyle buzzes their communicator to check it out.

Armed Guard, belts in hand, answers the call. And by “answers the call” I mean “sets off the emergency signal”.

Beam him up! (*facepalm*) Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit…

Well, keep him there for now. We’ve got more stealing to do!

Uh-oh, they’ve got alarm systems in the rooms where sensitive stuff it kept on an airforce base! Who would have guessed. Kirk has to hold his own against three armed men while Sulu hides and then beams up without him.

Under arrest (I know, I can’t believe Kirk lost to three guys either, he must have been having an off day) Kirk isn’t giving the right answers.

Ve haf vays ov making you talk!

But Kirk isn’t afraid.

We’ll lock you up for 200 years.

Yeah, that’ll be about right.

Spock wants coordinates to the interrogation rooms but Chris has decided to play hard ball. He’ll show them the way only if they take him along. Spock protests but Chris has decided to be a princess about this. So Spock, Sulu and Chris head on down to the surface (but they’re not going to give Chris a phaser of his own, so there) while Armed Guard hangs out with Mr. Kyle.

What could possibly go wrong?

Chris gets them to the base and plays decoy to the airforce’s version of a redshirt while Sulu takes him out with a chop to the neck. Spock nerve pinches the guard in the interrogation room and Kirk takes out Col. Glassjaw with one punch. With Kirk out of danger they all go to beam up. But wait! Chris has a gun and he’s ready to double cross them.

Yeah, didn’t see that coming.

Crafty Spock, however, did. Sneaking around behind him, nerve pinches another bitch and back up to the ship they go.

Spock has calculated the way home. They’ll slingshot again only this time going forward, which means first they have to go back a bit. So when they go back, they’ll beam down Chris and Armed Guard, magically wiping out their memories that anything ever happened (not to mention the fact that they will be beaming them down while moving at speeds well beyond warp 8). Then they’ll go forward in time but they have to be careful when they stop or they might overshoot their time, or break up… one of those things (good thing the ship was designed to handle the strain of moving fast enough to travel through time, right?).

No, I am not making that up.

So they beam Chris down in to his plane, before he was ever beamed up… yeeeeaaaaah…. hold it there for a second.

Beaming Chris down into the plane would just serve to create two Christophers. See, he was beamed up after the ship crushed his plane with the tractor beam. If they hadn’t done that, Chris would have been safe and sound in his plane. They would still have in their possession the first Chris and have been dealing with a second Chris. Much like them going back in time to then go forward in time wouldn’t have removed the original incident, it would have just created a situation in which there were two Enterprises occupying the same time… *brain explode*

Sorry about that.

Luckily everything (no matter how much it shouldn’t have) works out perfectly. Chris is back where he belongs and so is Armed Guard. Reversing engines doesn’t cause them all to die a horrible, horrible death (as you may have guessed by the next two seasons and 6 movies) and everyone lives happily ever after.

Just in case you still think I’m shitting you, check it out…

Is it a bad episode? No, not really. Is it a great episode? Not even in its dreams. Does it make any sense at all if you really think about it? Honestly, I wouldn’t suggest you even try. Chances are good that it would only serve to drive you mad.

Time travel episodes are always tricky. This one is will always stand as how not to do it successfully.

-Late Fines.

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30
May
10

Impulse explained

My friend brought his 6 year old, David, along yesterday. He’s a pretty cool kid but seriously lacking any Trek knowledge. When he was playing he set off my talking Khan bobble-head.

“Full impulse power!”

David looked confused. “What’s ‘full impulse power’?”

My explanation? “It’s faster than half impulse power but slower than warp 1.”

Everyone looked at me like I was crazy, my cousin burst out laughing and David seemed to accept that answer.

I stand by my response.

29
May
10

Happy birthday to me

It’s my birthday and I’ll Spock if I want to…

Bones if I want to…

Khan if I want too…

You’d Sarek too, if it happened to you…

27
May
10

A very good twitter day

That’s right, Ladies. He’s mine. And after I get rid of @StarTrekWreck, he’ll be ALL mine.

19
May
10

I’m on a ship

Oh shit, get your phasers ready
We’re about to beam down
Everybody in the place hit the fucking bridge
But stay on your motherfucking toes
Come on Redshirts, let’s go

I’m on a ship, I’m on a ship
Everybody look at me
‘Cause I’m flying in a ship
I’m on a ship, I’m on a ship
Take a good hard look at this motherfucking ship

I’m on a ship motherfucker take a look at me
Straight flying in a ship ‘cross the universe
Bustin’ warp 5, stars whipping past the hull
You can’t stop me, motherfucker ’cause I’m on a ship

Take a reading, trick (trick) I’m on a ship, bitch (bitch)
We drinking Romulan Ale, cause it’s so crisp (crisp)
I got my photons, and my phaser banks
I’m fightin Klingons, you at Ekos stright fightin Nazis

I’m using Vulcan Logic, proving points and shit
This Vulcan’s Logic, getting e’rybody all pissed
But this ain’t Starfleet, this is real as it gets
I’m on a ship, motherfucker, don’t you ever forget

I’m on a ship and, it’s goin fast and
I got a yeoman with a weird-ass basket head
I’m the king of the ‘verse, on a ship like Robau
If you’re back on Earth, then you’re sho’ not me-oh

Fuck land, I’m on a ship, motherfucker (motherfucker)
Fuck trees, holodeck, motherfucker (motherfucker)
I’m on the bridge with my crew, motherfucker (yeah)
The warp engine make noise, motherfucker

Hey ma, if you could see me now (see me now)
Arms spread wide on the starboard bow (starboard bow)
Gonna fly this ship ’round the moon right now (moon right now)
Like Christopher Pike, anything is possible!

Yeah, never thought I’d be on a ship
It’s a big black starry road (yeah)
Hey Starfleet, look at me, oh (it’s red alert)
Never thought I’d see the day
When a star ship comin my way
Believe me when I say, I fucked a green babe

I’m on a ship, I’m on a ship
Everybody look at me ’cause I’m flyin in a ship
I’m on a ship, I’m on a ship
Take a good hard look at this motherfuckin ship

Whoahh
Sco-Sco-Scotty, Scotty
Beam me up

(Original lyrics)

18
May
10

Spock’s Brain reviewed

I’m back again with another review. This time it wasn’t my choice, I took to Twitter and asked if anyone had any requests. I got a couple but the first one to come it was Spock’s Brain.

This is an episode that has become rather infamous over the years, often being cited as “the worst original series episode ever made” or at least the most bizarre. I’ve already give my opinion on that debate, but that doesn’t really make the episode any less ridiculously weird.

But I digress. On to the review!

It’s never a good sign for the NCC-1701 crew when the cold opening starts with the dramatic music and a close-up shot of the red alert lights. An unidentified ship is headed toward our heroes. Everyone but Scotty seems concerned – Scotty is much to busy getting all doe-eyed about the ship.

Before they can even make contact, a Hot Alien Babe beams aboard (don’t get too excited, she looks like most beings in the universe – human). Jim scrambles to decide on a pick-up line, the crew looks confused and Spock raises his eyebrow. All of this can only mean one thing – time to cue the redshirts!

Two rush in to save the day (because that always works) just in time to see Hot Alien Babe use her giant bracelet to stun the whole bridge with its magical “boinga-boinga” noise. Once they’re all out, she stuns the rest of the crew (oh, there’s Bones, in sickbay) and heads over to collect what she came for.

Is it Kirk’s brain? No, that’s just silly.

Cue opening credits.

We come back to see the crew is still out cold.

I’d like to take a second to mention a few things – first, I love that Chapel totally went for the fall in sickbay but Uhura managed to stay in the most awkward sitting position ever (including keeping her arm on the console). Second, is anyone surprised that Kirk ended up showing off his ass? Third, how the fuck did Chekov end up with his leg curled up like that? Is that some kind of Russian thing?

The lights come up and nap time is over. The ship seems fine and after checking everything Kirk realises something is wrong. “Where’s Spock?” Bones buzzes from sickbay. You know something is wrong because he’s doing his strained whisper voice. Jim heads off to investigate with Scotty.

Question asked, question answered – there’s Spock and he’s sporting a lovely gold sequinned turban.

But something is wrong. Bones has fit him with some kind of futuristic iron lung. Chapel tells Kirk she found him on the table. Not like this though (perhaps he was wearing a matching gown and Carmen Miranda-esque fruity head dress). He’s on complete life support. Dead? No. Worse than dead.

His brain is gone. (I’m trying to imagine D the first time he read that line and realising he’d have to deliver it.)

Uh-oh, Kirk is so confused he’s mouthing other people’s lines.

It’s been removed surgically. (Sorry, D, they’re only going to get worse from here.)

But don’t worry, they were really, really careful about how they took it out. You know, not to hurt the body that would die without it. Which, really, makes perfect sense if you don’t think about it too much. And of course, being Vulcan and not a redshirt, for instance, Spock isn’t dead and life-support is going to keep him that way. For now.

Kirk decides Hot Alien Babe stole it and does what he’s best at, gets mad. Bones doesn’t know how long he can keep Spock going without his incredible Vulcan mind. So Kirk is going to take them all to search for Spock’s brain.

Problem – where the hell are they going to look? And if the find it, then what? Bones doesn’t know how to put it back.

No worries. The person who took it out must know how to put it back. (Just don’t think about that too much. If you do, blood with shoot out of your nose. Trust me.)

Another problem – Bones has decided on an amount of time. 24 hours or they’re fucked.

Don’t worry, Doc. Kirk will give you Scotty to help get Spock ready. You know, because engineers and doctors are practically the same thing.

Now, you’d think it would be harder to track an alien ship, but luckily for Kirk it left an ion trail. Or at least they assume it’s that ship’s trail. It could be anyone’s. But they’re off at warp 6 to find out.

There are three M Class planets in the star system and Kirk needs to pick one. None seems right. Every time I watch this episode I wait for the entire bridge crew to start yelling choices at Kirk like he’s on The Price Is Right. He goes with door number three, the least likely of the planets and heads off with Chekov and three Redshirts.

8 hours and 29 minutes left.

They beam down to a planet in its glacial period without any winter gear (clever) but luckily for them they all have some never before discussed personal atmosphere device that they can set to whatever temperature they require. (Remember, this isn’t an episode for thinking about things.) Meanwhile the primitive natives of the planet (large men all sporting the pageboy hairdos and beards) gather to sneak up on them. Apparently none of them saw The Apple because, as we all know, that sort of thing will get you punched in the face.

The natives attack, Kirk stuns one and the rest of them go with the King Arthur manoeuver – RUN AWAY!

When they go to talk to their new captured friend he’s surprised to find that they aren’t “the others” despite being “small like the others” (who are givers of pain and delight – so, sadists I guess). They come for all like them, these others. But when Kirk mentions women (yeah, like we’re all really surprised that he’s the first one to bring that up) Pageboy Caveman doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

You can see the panic starting to set in on Kirk’s face – a planet with no women? What fresh hell is this? No women, no females, no mates – I keep waiting for Kirk to make the universal hand sign for boobies.

While Kirk goes through the list of possible explanations of what women are, the landing party find a door to an apparent storehouse of goods and a doorway to a buried city.

Yeah, this is going to go well.

Before they go anywhere, Kirk send for Bones and Spock. They beam down, both up and walking around. Spock has been fitted with headgear that allows Bones to move him around via remote control (I’d put money on it that Bones wishes he had one of those things all the time). Kirk, Scotty, Bones and Robo-Spock move in to the room, the door slams shut and the room drops. Chekov, hanging out with the redshirts, is not alarmed and heats up some rocks for them to hang out around.

The room stops, the door opens and there’s another Hot Alien Babe. Kirk, being a gentleman, shoots her before she can get to her ugly bracelet. Bones shoots her up with something to get her back up on her feet and Kirk, coming from a planet with TOTAL EQUALITY demands to be taken to the MAN in charge.

Hot Alien Babe #2 tells them they are neither Morg or Eymorg and she knows nothing about a brain. Kirk insists she’s lying.

Bones steps in. She’s not lying. She has the mind of a child (otherwise known as “a woman’s brain”).

But wait, Scotty is getting something on the communicator! It’s… it’s… SPOCK’S BRAIN! And it’s happy to hear from them all. But unfortunately it doesn’t know where it is what with not being connected to Spock’s eyes any more. Stay there, brain, we’re coming to get you!

Or not.

Hot Alien Babe #1 is headed right for them. Kirk starts yelling rather than reaching for his phaser and soon they’re all on the ground. (Side note – I love how Kirk and Bones fall together.) Well, not Spock. He’s brainless which leaves you immune to being stunned.

Taken captive, still out cold and wearing a snazzy new belt, Kirk still manages to make a Captain’s log entry. Hot Alien Babe #1 wakes them all up with her “Boinga-Boinga” bracelet and they’re all a bit confused (even Kirk who must have forgotten the unconscious log entry already). Kirk checks to make sure that his new belt doesn’t make him look fat and then gets down to business.

Where’s Spock’s brain?

But none of them know who Spock is or what this “brain” thing they keep talking about is. Remember, they are only women. She doesn’t even recall being on the Enterprise. (I think Kirk is really upset that she doesn’t remember him, especially since he had the good sense to fall with his best feature showing.) Bones explains that the silly girl really doesn’t know what he’s talking about and Kirk takes a seat.

Hot Alien Babe #1 tells them that if they want to return to the ship the can go. Kirk, being the the committed Star Fleet officer he is, tell her they’d rather stay to learn from them and to teach them of his ways. (I can hear the Prime Directive crying from here.) Bones and Scotty ask about simple things, like the difference in temperature between outside and down below, the power supply and the fresh air. Kirk, however, is back to asking who’s in charge. Despite all indications, he’s still not ready to believe that a woman is the leader.

But who controls everything?

Controller. Controller controls. I bet you wouldn’t have guessed that. (You may also note that never once does Hot Alien Babe assign a sex to “controller” but Kirk still insists on calling it “him”.) No one is permitted to see Controller, however. Our landing party isn’t so good at taking no for an answer. They just want to talk to someone about Spock’s brain.

This brings up one of the best lines in the episode. “Brain and brain! What is brain!?”

No, I didn’t make that up.

But that’s the ticket, isn’t it, Jim? Spock’s brain is the Controller. “Spock’s. Brain. Controls.”

So Kirk does what any rational human would do. He throws up his hands and starts doing his best imitation of what I can only assume is praising of the leader and pleading to see the Controller.

Hot Alien Babe isn’t having any of it though. She hits the “Boinga-Boinga” bracelet again. This time it’s set to maximum overacting and turns Kirk in to a flopping twitching mess on the floor before heading out to do woman things, I guess. When they manage to get back up, all three agree that none of the women could have created anything so complex. Kirk tries to go for his communicator but one of the guards blocks his way.

This of course leave them with only one option.

Fight.

Kirk takes one guard while McCoy and Scotty take the other. McCoy lasts about five seconds before hitting the floor and Scotty only fairs slightly better. Kirk on the other hand takes out his guard and then comes to save the day by taking out the other. I think it’s the patented Kirk flying kick that does it.

Communicator back in hand, Kirk touches base with Spock’s brain. He explains to the brain that they brought his body along for the ride so they could reunite the two. Spock doesn’t sound too enthusiastic. He also doesn’t seem to trust Bones all that much. Nothing personal though, right? It’s just that there is no known technique for restoring a brain.

Kirk goes back to insisting that if it could be removed, it can be put back in.

Even the disembodied brain thinks you’re a bit off on that one, Jim.

Regardless, the brain gets them directions and off they go. Kirk mentions that he doesn’t like his snazzy new belt but doesn’t know how to take it off. The brain tells them to press the red button on a bracelet.

That shouldn’t be too hard.

Once in the Controller’s room, the landing party finds once more that hell hath no fury when Hot Alien Babe zaps them with her bracelet again. Cheesiness on maximum again, they all hit the floor except Spock. McCoy, despite the pain, points it out to Kirk who goes for Robo-Spock’s remote control again. He fights through the cheese and gets Spock over the Hot Alien Babe to press her little red button.

Off pop the belts (you knew Kirk wouldn’t abide anything impeding his ability to gets his pants off).

Hot Alien Babe begs them not to take controller. Not just because she’s a greedy bitch but because THEY WILL ALL DIE.

Kirk’s response? “You will find another controller.” So we can’t have your friend, but we can get someone else? Anyone you would recommend?

He carries on demanding that she put Spock’s brain back. Despite having agreed numerous times that these women folk are farto dumb to do much of anything, he’s still sure she can do it. Her, but not McCoy. I love it when he gets all rational like that.

She explains that she doesn’t know (again) and that she got the know-how the first time from “the teacher” which she “put upon her head” (uh huh). The teacher being a super futuristic salon hair dryer that zaps information in to your head.

Hot Alien Babe insists that there is nothing she can do. She can only use it at the command of the ancients. Kirk insists that he can protect her. You know, because nothing has ever or will ever slip past Kirk’s defence to hurt people he has promised to protect. She is hysterical by the time Kirk forces her in to the teacher because she will be punished, but Kirk carries on. He’s cool like that.

The teacher does it’s job and kick starts her simple brain. Unfortunately for Jim, she’s also clever enough to have stolen his phaser. And it’s… SET TO KILL!

Tricked by a woman!

She’s also unwilling to give up the Controller. Don’t worry though, Scotty psychs her out with a fake faint and Kirk gets his phaser back. Silly woman.

Since she’s not giving up the secrets of brain-put-back-in-ness, McCoy is up to bat. Spock’s brain points out that the teacher may very well kill him but he seems less concerned. After all, he may be able to retain the knowledge and let the universe know how one may remove and then replace a brain.

I guess that sort of thing would come in handy.

Teacher gives McCoy a splitting headache but manages to get the message across. He jumps in to the surgery with both feet but no one is sure how long he’s going to be able to hang on the the knowledge. Another trip to the teacher will kill him, so that’s no damn good and I guess Kirk and Scotty aren’t really in to that academic stuff because I certainly don’t see them volunteering for the next time around.

While Bones operates Hot Alien Babe is still going on about how her people are doomed. Kirk is unfazed and in accordance with the Prime Directive tells her that her people and their society as it is will have to make drastic changes in order to survive so he can save one person. That’s what the Prime Directive says, right?

But wait! Bones is starting to forget! And his pessimism is coming back with a vengeance! No one can restore a brain! No one!

Kirk points out that he could, just a little while ago. “It was child’s play.”

Cue montage! My god, but Bones’ eyebrow is getting a hell of a workout this episode!

Kirk, ever helpful, makes a log entry and tells Bones to hook up the talky part of the brain so Spock can help Bones replace the rest of his own brain.

Can I pause here to tell you that I really do wish I was making this up? Really I do.

Once the chatter box bit is back up and running, Spock doesn’t hesitate to get on with the technobabble.  This scene is… painful. I love Bones and I love Spock, but sweet Jebus.

With Spock’s brain back in his brain box, Spock is up and about again, chattering away like an excitable 12 year old Vulcan girl. Bones makes a crack about how he should never reconnected the speech centre again and we fade to black with Spock still babbling and everyone else (minus Hot Alien Babe, who’s still a bit worried about her people being doomed) having a good chuckle.

And finally, for your viewing pleasure – Spock’s Brain: Condensed

Spock’s Brain is something that really must be witnessed. As much as I can write about it, it just isn’t the same as seeing it. I’ve seen every episode of TOS and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t chalk full of cheese and weirdness but there are a few that stand out from the crowd.

This is one such episode.

It takes my #2 spot for bottom TOS episodes. But it’s certainly something you’ll remember forever.

-Late Fines.

14
May
10

Know your Spock

I need this shirt. Need. It.