The Paradise Syndrome Reviewed

Time for another long winded, rant of a review! Wait… I should really try to sell these more, shouldn’t I?

Well this one is another in my list of twitter requests (you can request your own by contacting me here). Can I just ask tho, what is up with people and Season 3? You’re just doing this to torture me, right? I knew my readers and friends were all a bunch of sadists. Well, jokes on you, suckers. I think Season 3 is hilariously bad in a delightful kind of way.

On to the review…

Ah, pastoral music, trees, a lake, birds… lovely. I’m sure everything is going to be smooth sailing from here. The boys beam down (the three most senior officers, you know their names and that it makes perfect sense for them all to beam down at once) and are all amazed at just how Earth like it is (unlike, well, quite a few other planets they’ve encountered). But what’s this? A metal obelisk, alien to this planet? Weird. I’m sure it’s completely unrelated to anything.

But they’re running short on time. There’s an asteroid on a collision course with the planet. Oh, you hear that? That’s the other shoe dropping. Thanks, Spock.

They do have time to note the American Indians living on the planet. Which is perfectly natural. If you don’t think about it. At all. They can’t chat with them tho, they’re far to primitive to grasp all this technological crap (and they always leave primitive cultures alone ::cough::theapple::cough:: ). Kirk takes a minute to daydream about how lovely it would be to live here without a care in the world and tells Bones and Spock to go on ahead, he’ll catch up.

By catch up, he clearly means “stand on top on the platform next to the giant obelisk that the natives have probably, you know, noticed and might, possibly, worship with their tiny primitive brains and crazy superstitions and all”. The obelisk has different plans, however. Kirk says the magic words “Kirk to Enterprise” and the trap door pops open.

Kirk goes for a tumble (and not the fun kind) down the stairs and ends up button mashing the super snazzy obelisk control keyboard. Unfortunately for Kirk, he misses “control+alt+del” by a few keys and instead hits the keyboard shortcut for “erase memory”. Dang. (Nice bit of acting there, BTW, Shat.)

Cut to opening credits!

Back to Kirk, still passed out like a freshman girl at a frat party. Spock is on Captain’s log duties, getting everyone up to speed on the whole “Kirk is still missing, yes we looked everywhere” issue on the surface. Spock calls for Scotty to beam both himself and Bones up to the ship and to get them the hell out of there.

Bones is a little miffed (by which I mean “yelling and ranting”). The asteroid is two months away, Kirk could be hurt, they can’t just leave!

Spock being Spock isn’t moved. He simplifies it for the doctor, using rocks and simple words (because Bones is a five year old) to explain that the asteroid is two months away, but if they don’t move it now, they won’t be able to do move it enough later. Even taking time to explain makes things harder (which wouldn’t have been a big deal if he’d explained once they beamed up).

So off they go.

Kirk wakes up and stumbles around the obelisk room for a bit. Uh-oh… seems like he’s having a bit of trouble with the old memory. Who am I? Where am I? And so on. Until he stumbles outside again. Shame he didn’t drag his ass up those stairs two minutes sooner, eh?

But wait, there is someone out here. Not the crew, no. But some of the natives, coming to bring an offering to the obelisk (and speaking English! Yay!). When they spot our boy walking out of the basement they hit the dirt and cover their faces (I’m guessing it’s distress over discovering that the Shat is their god). One of the girls isn’t going to waste all day bowing. She climbs up the stairs to say hello. She tells him that they are his people and they’ve been waiting for him (good, Kirk’s ego really needed a boost like that).

Meanwhile, back on the Enterprise, Spock is pushing the ship to its limits. They need to make it to the deflection point on time. Scotty is none too happy about it, not that that changes anything. (Now think back to Obsession and take a guess at how differently this episode would have gone if Bones or Spock had been dropped in to the Obelisk and Kirk was still in charge. Personally I wouldn’t see much hope for that planet.)

Back on the planet, Miramanee is presenting Kirk to her father, the chief (how convenient). They don’t dobt her when she says that Kirk came from the Obelisk, but they have to be sure. They can’t just be promoting anyone from the Obelisk to God, you know.

Kirk’s still having a bit of trouble with that whole memory thing tho. That might be a bit of an issue.

Medicine man cuts in to complain. Kirk doesn’t know anything. How’s he supposed to help? (while the guy might be a whiny jerkbag, he kind of has a point.)

See the skies have darkened three times and this is kind of part of a prophesy wherein the wise ones who planted them there (I believe that’s might be a bit of foreshadowing) will send a god to save them by rousing the temple spirit and quiet the sky.

So, think you can handle that?

Well, Kirk came from the temple and it was a beginning. Here. But he came from the sky. Too. But he…. can’t remember. He… can’t remember. (I wish I was making up that delivery. His pauses are epic.)

But wait! Miramanee brings in a dead kid! Shit! And Salish, the Medicine guy, gives his version of “he’s dead, Jim”. Kirk’s not buying it. He can fix it! Stand back! With a little hocus pocus (otherwise known as “CPR”) the kid is up and about again. Not only does it prove he’s a god, but it automatically makes him the medicine guy.

The Enterprise is still pushing it all the way to the asteroid (just in case you’d forgotten where they were at). They make the deflection point but at the cost of the dilithium crystals. They haven’t got the power to push the asteroid out of the way. Damn.

Well, in that case, start backing up out in front of the asteroid and stay ahead of it until we’ve got enough power to shoot it. Savvy?

Unless that cripples the ship.

Impulse power will get them out of the way.

But what about Jim? If they screw up, he’s dead!

That’s a risk they’ll just have to take.

You know why? Because (say it with me) the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few… or the one. ( ::sniffle:: )

Planetside, Miramanne, finished washing her wad of leather and half-a-dead-thing is headed back to hang out with the God when Salish catches up with her. He wants to know why she’s not working on their wedding duds.

uh-oh… apparently someone forgot to mention that when the God (who he’s already not too keen on) took his place as Medicine dude, he also took his woman.

Oh snap!

Miramanee gives him the old “plenty of fish in the sea” crap and stops just short of asking if they can still be friends. Salish, tries to win her back by doing his best Shat impression, but she’s not going for it. He even tries the classic “be a sore loser” manoeuvre, to no avail.

Miramanee returns to the God who’s busy carving a gourd. He wants to know about the wise ones.

They brought the people from far away and built the temple to keep them safe. They told the medicine dude how to use it and he passes the info on to his son and so on.

So Salish, why don’t you do that voodoo that you do so well? Hmm?

Because his father didn’t let him in on the secret before he kicked the bucket (both proving that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and that Salish has been plenty bitter for a while already).

Cue interrupting food wenches! (who come with plates of grapes and oranges. Grapes sure, but oranges? In this climate? Really?)

And tribal chief!

He wants to know the God’s name (it had to come up sooner or later).

“Ki.. Kir…” I feel like cheering him on like a puppy, “Come on boy, you can do it! Good boy!”

“Kirok?”

NO HELP FROM THE AUDIENCE!

It’s too late, interrupting food wenches are off to tell everyone. Crap. That stupid name is gonna stick. Just watch.

The chief is kind of paranoid tho. Is everything cool? Are you mad at us? Are we too primitive for your liking?

No, it’s cool.

Are you sure?

Yeah. It’s cool. I’m good. Really.

Chief takes off after the food wenches and Kirok and Miramanee gets some alone time. He’s a little angsty but Miramanee will make it all better.

Cue the BOW-CHICKA-WOW-WOW.

The Enterprise, meanwhile, is still backing up across space (I keep hoping to see the reverse lights and hear the “BEEP BEEP BEEP” backup warning) in front of the asteroid (this is going to take a while). Spock wants them to aim the phasers at the weakest point of the asteroid (which I’m sure is its unresolved father issues and inability to commit) to break it apart. (On a completely unrelated note – this happens to be one of the few episodes where they got Scotty’s hair right.)

Cut back to Kirok taking a godnap.

Cue Miramanee wake-up call! (no, not like that, you perv)

She’s done the ritual cloak and wants to name the joining day.

Joining day? (the part of Kirok that still remembers is clearly shaken at something that sounds oddly close to getting tied down to one chick. Why buy the cow, right Kirk?)

He’s the medicine dude, so she gets to marry him. Unless he doesn’t want to, since he’s a god and all.

But he’s cool with it.

So tomorrow then. Not to rush things.

The Enterprise is down to impulse power and angry lectures. But Spock has them headed back to the planet just four hours ahead of the asteroid. Even while Bones ramps it up to FULL RANTING POWER.

Meanwhile (yeah, there are lots of awkward cuts between ship and planet, so sue me) the Chief is explaining to Kirok how this whole “joining” is going to take place (Kirok is going to join her brains out). He’s to wait by the Obelisk for a bit, then walk back to the joining spot.

When the Chief heads back, Kirok takes a moment to reflect, enjoy and look like ten shades of Uber Dork. He gives himself a biiiiiig hug and then sets off on his walk.

But Salish has other plans. He doesn’t want some swaggering, know-nothing, self-hugging maybe-God stealing his woman! He’s got his trusty knife and his trusty shoulder chip on his side! Too bad he didn’t have his trusty knife skills, his trusty ability to know when to shut-up or his trusty timing because all he manages to do is to scratch Kirok’s hand.

But that’s enough! Behold a god who bleeds! (Cue Warp 11!)

Cue unnecessary fight scene involving Kirk!

Kirok won’t finish Salish off. Even when he swears not to stop until he’s proven that Kirok is no god (again, he may be a jerk but he’s right). Kirok is too busy getting married. In your face.

INTERRUPTING ENTERPRISE

Spock’s still brooding. Bones is still meddling. 58 days later.

Spock hasn’t gotten any further with the Obelisk symbols and Bones is uppity over Spock’s lack of sleep and eating and whatnot. Don’t worry, Bones. As you may have noticed, he’s a Vulcan and they’re cool without such things. Bones isn’t buying it. He’s exhausted and Bones isn’t taking no for an answer. Mixed in there is an apology for getting pissy earlier (it’s a little hard to tell, it’s kind of buried in a lecture).

INTERRUPTING KIROK

Kirok and Miramanee run and play and make-out in a fashion most awkward! Hurray? Kirok is happy, so happy, except for the dreams about the floating city and the people he can’t quite remember. Don’t worry, dude, Miramanee has a surprise for you.

She runs off to get her surprise and since Kirok isn’t on Captain’s exposition…er… log duties, we’re treated to Kirok’s inner monologue (which adds weight to my theory that Kirk isn’t actually recording the CL half the time and is just talking to himself), complete with some truly fascinating facial expressions. Miramanee saves us from further monologuing just in time and presents Kirok with her surprise.

She isn’t naked, unfortunately.

It’s a baby carrier.

Kirok gets a weird look on his face that I can’t help thinking looks a little like he’s wondering which one of them is supposed to fit in to it. But no. Miramanee is preggers.

Cue awkward make-out and giggling!

Back at the lodge Kirok has gone in to Roman mode and is planning out his aqueduct, making lamps for his woman and teaching them the ultimate power of PRESERVATION! huzzah! And no, the lamp isn’t to keep Miramanee cooking… well… yes it is, but not that kind of cooking.

INTERRUPTING THUNDER!

It’s time to go to the temple, God dude. Open up the temple again and quiet the sky like you said you would. Don’t be a fucking chump. Everyone is waiting!

But I don’t know how!

You’re the God, get your ass in gear!

Salish McSnottypants and Kirok finally come down to an incredibly Marty McFly moment where Salish all but calls him chicken thus FORCING Kirok to act. It’s all very mature.

Take care of Miramanee.

Kirok heads to the temple and flails around for a bit. He yells and stumbles and overacts his little heart out. But all is for not.

INTERRUPTING ENTERPRISE!

Spock worked out the Obelisk! Hurray! The marks on the Obelisk aren’t words. They’re music notes. It was left by the Preservers. An old alien species who seeded the galaxy. (PLEASE don’t ask me how he got that from music notes. I have no fucking clue. Also, if he had just watched The Chase from TNG he could have had this thing worked out weeks ago.) They clearly put an asteroid deflector on the surface (not sure how they figure that one either) and it must be broken. So all they have to do is find it, fix it and turn it on in less than four hours on a planet on which they couldn’t even find the Captain.

Cool!

INTERRUPTING MOB SCENE!

Salish finally manages to convince the people that Kirok is a false god (true) and brings his angry rabble rousers to the temple and tells everyone it’s BYOR (Bring your own rocks). He maybe should have mentioned that styrofoam rocks + wind = less effective. But what the hell, a muderous mob is a merderous mob, right?

Miramanee can’t just stand by and watch! She’s got to stand by her false god. And be stoned. By her own people.

Yeah.

INTERRUPTING BONES AND SPOCK!

The appearance of the two scare off the angry mob and they run to aid Kirok… Kirk… whatever. He’s not interested in their help. He’s asking about his wife.

“His wife? Hallucinations?” Spock knows Jim a little better than that.

Nope, he’s married, dude.

Chapel beams down with a medical kit and give Miramanee a shot for the pain and then sees to Kirk. Spock asks her why they were being stoned.

“Kirok could not get back in to the temple.”

And yet another reason I love Spock – his answer to a critically injured woman who firmly believes her husband is a God “Naturally, since he did not come from there.” BAZINGA!

Bones is still busy with Kirok. There’s nothing wrong with his brain, just his memory. So Spock is gonna mind-meld him to health! Huzzah!

CUE SHAT ATTACK!

It worked! Kirk’s back and he’s checking out his wife pretty closely. Especially the chest-area.

Spock and Kirk try to figure out how to open the door. Kirk tried recreating what he said, maybe the sound is the trigger.

Success!

Down in to the obelisk! Press the buttons! Activate the deflector! Save the planet! Run back to your dying wife!

Bones can’t save her. Sorry, dude.

Oh yeah, we didn’t tell her. So… um… she’s probably going to say a bunch of stuff about the future. Sorry about that. Thinking back on it, we should have seen that coming and realised that would probably be kind of harsh. My bad.

Oh, is she dead? Crap.

Um… That’s all we’ve got.

CREDITS!

No, I’m not kidding. That’s how it ends. Dead wife, roll credits.

Wow.

Well, thanks for sticking with me to the end of this one, Trek Fans. Hope it was, at least, entertaining.

Until next time, LLAP. \\//_