Archive Page 2


I know… I know…

It’s been more than a week.

Sorry, this week has been balls. I’m aiming for this weekend. Honest.


Back at it

Hi all,

Sorry I’ve been slacking for the last while. Life got busy and I had things I needed to handle before I could devote a lot of energy here. Not that this is work, really. I love Trek and hardly a day goes by that I don’t make some kind of reference, watch an episode or just ramble on until everyone around me is ready to scream. Just, life gets in the way of sitting down and writing sometimes.

Anyway, enough excuse making.

I’m back.

I know. I know. You’re all terribly excited. I understand. I’m even going to make you a promise – Within one week, I will post another episode review (really, I have a blast writing them). Deal?

Cool. Now, someone get me a cup of raktajino and let’s get back to work.


Happy Birthday, DeForest!

Happy birthday to one of my very favourite people and the best doctor and chief surgeon Star Fleet has ever had.


The Paradise Syndrome Reviewed

Time for another long winded, rant of a review! Wait… I should really try to sell these more, shouldn’t I?

Well this one is another in my list of twitter requests (you can request your own by contacting me here). Can I just ask tho, what is up with people and Season 3? You’re just doing this to torture me, right? I knew my readers and friends were all a bunch of sadists. Well, jokes on you, suckers. I think Season 3 is hilariously bad in a delightful kind of way.

On to the review…

Ah, pastoral music, trees, a lake, birds… lovely. I’m sure everything is going to be smooth sailing from here. The boys beam down (the three most senior officers, you know their names and that it makes perfect sense for them all to beam down at once) and are all amazed at just how Earth like it is (unlike, well, quite a few other planets they’ve encountered). But what’s this? A metal obelisk, alien to this planet? Weird. I’m sure it’s completely unrelated to anything.

But they’re running short on time. There’s an asteroid on a collision course with the planet. Oh, you hear that? That’s the other shoe dropping. Thanks, Spock.

They do have time to note the American Indians living on the planet. Which is perfectly natural. If you don’t think about it. At all. They can’t chat with them tho, they’re far to primitive to grasp all this technological crap (and they always leave primitive cultures alone ::cough::theapple::cough:: ). Kirk takes a minute to daydream about how lovely it would be to live here without a care in the world and tells Bones and Spock to go on ahead, he’ll catch up.

By catch up, he clearly means “stand on top on the platform next to the giant obelisk that the natives have probably, you know, noticed and might, possibly, worship with their tiny primitive brains and crazy superstitions and all”. The obelisk has different plans, however. Kirk says the magic words “Kirk to Enterprise” and the trap door pops open.

Kirk goes for a tumble (and not the fun kind) down the stairs and ends up button mashing the super snazzy obelisk control keyboard. Unfortunately for Kirk, he misses “control+alt+del” by a few keys and instead hits the keyboard shortcut for “erase memory”. Dang. (Nice bit of acting there, BTW, Shat.)

Cut to opening credits!

Back to Kirk, still passed out like a freshman girl at a frat party. Spock is on Captain’s log duties, getting everyone up to speed on the whole “Kirk is still missing, yes we looked everywhere” issue on the surface. Spock calls for Scotty to beam both himself and Bones up to the ship and to get them the hell out of there.

Bones is a little miffed (by which I mean “yelling and ranting”). The asteroid is two months away, Kirk could be hurt, they can’t just leave!

Spock being Spock isn’t moved. He simplifies it for the doctor, using rocks and simple words (because Bones is a five year old) to explain that the asteroid is two months away, but if they don’t move it now, they won’t be able to do move it enough later. Even taking time to explain makes things harder (which wouldn’t have been a big deal if he’d explained once they beamed up).

So off they go.

Kirk wakes up and stumbles around the obelisk room for a bit. Uh-oh… seems like he’s having a bit of trouble with the old memory. Who am I? Where am I? And so on. Until he stumbles outside again. Shame he didn’t drag his ass up those stairs two minutes sooner, eh?

But wait, there is someone out here. Not the crew, no. But some of the natives, coming to bring an offering to the obelisk (and speaking English! Yay!). When they spot our boy walking out of the basement they hit the dirt and cover their faces (I’m guessing it’s distress over discovering that the Shat is their god). One of the girls isn’t going to waste all day bowing. She climbs up the stairs to say hello. She tells him that they are his people and they’ve been waiting for him (good, Kirk’s ego really needed a boost like that).

Meanwhile, back on the Enterprise, Spock is pushing the ship to its limits. They need to make it to the deflection point on time. Scotty is none too happy about it, not that that changes anything. (Now think back to Obsession and take a guess at how differently this episode would have gone if Bones or Spock had been dropped in to the Obelisk and Kirk was still in charge. Personally I wouldn’t see much hope for that planet.)

Back on the planet, Miramanee is presenting Kirk to her father, the chief (how convenient). They don’t dobt her when she says that Kirk came from the Obelisk, but they have to be sure. They can’t just be promoting anyone from the Obelisk to God, you know.

Kirk’s still having a bit of trouble with that whole memory thing tho. That might be a bit of an issue.

Medicine man cuts in to complain. Kirk doesn’t know anything. How’s he supposed to help? (while the guy might be a whiny jerkbag, he kind of has a point.)

See the skies have darkened three times and this is kind of part of a prophesy wherein the wise ones who planted them there (I believe that’s might be a bit of foreshadowing) will send a god to save them by rousing the temple spirit and quiet the sky.

So, think you can handle that?

Well, Kirk came from the temple and it was a beginning. Here. But he came from the sky. Too. But he…. can’t remember. He… can’t remember. (I wish I was making up that delivery. His pauses are epic.)

But wait! Miramanee brings in a dead kid! Shit! And Salish, the Medicine guy, gives his version of “he’s dead, Jim”. Kirk’s not buying it. He can fix it! Stand back! With a little hocus pocus (otherwise known as “CPR”) the kid is up and about again. Not only does it prove he’s a god, but it automatically makes him the medicine guy.

The Enterprise is still pushing it all the way to the asteroid (just in case you’d forgotten where they were at). They make the deflection point but at the cost of the dilithium crystals. They haven’t got the power to push the asteroid out of the way. Damn.

Well, in that case, start backing up out in front of the asteroid and stay ahead of it until we’ve got enough power to shoot it. Savvy?

Unless that cripples the ship.

Impulse power will get them out of the way.

But what about Jim? If they screw up, he’s dead!

That’s a risk they’ll just have to take.

You know why? Because (say it with me) the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few… or the one. ( ::sniffle:: )

Planetside, Miramanne, finished washing her wad of leather and half-a-dead-thing is headed back to hang out with the God when Salish catches up with her. He wants to know why she’s not working on their wedding duds.

uh-oh… apparently someone forgot to mention that when the God (who he’s already not too keen on) took his place as Medicine dude, he also took his woman.

Oh snap!

Miramanee gives him the old “plenty of fish in the sea” crap and stops just short of asking if they can still be friends. Salish, tries to win her back by doing his best Shat impression, but she’s not going for it. He even tries the classic “be a sore loser” manoeuvre, to no avail.

Miramanee returns to the God who’s busy carving a gourd. He wants to know about the wise ones.

They brought the people from far away and built the temple to keep them safe. They told the medicine dude how to use it and he passes the info on to his son and so on.

So Salish, why don’t you do that voodoo that you do so well? Hmm?

Because his father didn’t let him in on the secret before he kicked the bucket (both proving that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and that Salish has been plenty bitter for a while already).

Cue interrupting food wenches! (who come with plates of grapes and oranges. Grapes sure, but oranges? In this climate? Really?)

And tribal chief!

He wants to know the God’s name (it had to come up sooner or later).

“Ki.. Kir…” I feel like cheering him on like a puppy, “Come on boy, you can do it! Good boy!”



It’s too late, interrupting food wenches are off to tell everyone. Crap. That stupid name is gonna stick. Just watch.

The chief is kind of paranoid tho. Is everything cool? Are you mad at us? Are we too primitive for your liking?

No, it’s cool.

Are you sure?

Yeah. It’s cool. I’m good. Really.

Chief takes off after the food wenches and Kirok and Miramanee gets some alone time. He’s a little angsty but Miramanee will make it all better.


The Enterprise, meanwhile, is still backing up across space (I keep hoping to see the reverse lights and hear the “BEEP BEEP BEEP” backup warning) in front of the asteroid (this is going to take a while). Spock wants them to aim the phasers at the weakest point of the asteroid (which I’m sure is its unresolved father issues and inability to commit) to break it apart. (On a completely unrelated note – this happens to be one of the few episodes where they got Scotty’s hair right.)

Cut back to Kirok taking a godnap.

Cue Miramanee wake-up call! (no, not like that, you perv)

She’s done the ritual cloak and wants to name the joining day.

Joining day? (the part of Kirok that still remembers is clearly shaken at something that sounds oddly close to getting tied down to one chick. Why buy the cow, right Kirk?)

He’s the medicine dude, so she gets to marry him. Unless he doesn’t want to, since he’s a god and all.

But he’s cool with it.

So tomorrow then. Not to rush things.

The Enterprise is down to impulse power and angry lectures. But Spock has them headed back to the planet just four hours ahead of the asteroid. Even while Bones ramps it up to FULL RANTING POWER.

Meanwhile (yeah, there are lots of awkward cuts between ship and planet, so sue me) the Chief is explaining to Kirok how this whole “joining” is going to take place (Kirok is going to join her brains out). He’s to wait by the Obelisk for a bit, then walk back to the joining spot.

When the Chief heads back, Kirok takes a moment to reflect, enjoy and look like ten shades of Uber Dork. He gives himself a biiiiiig hug and then sets off on his walk.

But Salish has other plans. He doesn’t want some swaggering, know-nothing, self-hugging maybe-God stealing his woman! He’s got his trusty knife and his trusty shoulder chip on his side! Too bad he didn’t have his trusty knife skills, his trusty ability to know when to shut-up or his trusty timing because all he manages to do is to scratch Kirok’s hand.

But that’s enough! Behold a god who bleeds! (Cue Warp 11!)

Cue unnecessary fight scene involving Kirk!

Kirok won’t finish Salish off. Even when he swears not to stop until he’s proven that Kirok is no god (again, he may be a jerk but he’s right). Kirok is too busy getting married. In your face.


Spock’s still brooding. Bones is still meddling. 58 days later.

Spock hasn’t gotten any further with the Obelisk symbols and Bones is uppity over Spock’s lack of sleep and eating and whatnot. Don’t worry, Bones. As you may have noticed, he’s a Vulcan and they’re cool without such things. Bones isn’t buying it. He’s exhausted and Bones isn’t taking no for an answer. Mixed in there is an apology for getting pissy earlier (it’s a little hard to tell, it’s kind of buried in a lecture).


Kirok and Miramanee run and play and make-out in a fashion most awkward! Hurray? Kirok is happy, so happy, except for the dreams about the floating city and the people he can’t quite remember. Don’t worry, dude, Miramanee has a surprise for you.

She runs off to get her surprise and since Kirok isn’t on Captain’s exposition…er… log duties, we’re treated to Kirok’s inner monologue (which adds weight to my theory that Kirk isn’t actually recording the CL half the time and is just talking to himself), complete with some truly fascinating facial expressions. Miramanee saves us from further monologuing just in time and presents Kirok with her surprise.

She isn’t naked, unfortunately.

It’s a baby carrier.

Kirok gets a weird look on his face that I can’t help thinking looks a little like he’s wondering which one of them is supposed to fit in to it. But no. Miramanee is preggers.

Cue awkward make-out and giggling!

Back at the lodge Kirok has gone in to Roman mode and is planning out his aqueduct, making lamps for his woman and teaching them the ultimate power of PRESERVATION! huzzah! And no, the lamp isn’t to keep Miramanee cooking… well… yes it is, but not that kind of cooking.


It’s time to go to the temple, God dude. Open up the temple again and quiet the sky like you said you would. Don’t be a fucking chump. Everyone is waiting!

But I don’t know how!

You’re the God, get your ass in gear!

Salish McSnottypants and Kirok finally come down to an incredibly Marty McFly moment where Salish all but calls him chicken thus FORCING Kirok to act. It’s all very mature.

Take care of Miramanee.

Kirok heads to the temple and flails around for a bit. He yells and stumbles and overacts his little heart out. But all is for not.


Spock worked out the Obelisk! Hurray! The marks on the Obelisk aren’t words. They’re music notes. It was left by the Preservers. An old alien species who seeded the galaxy. (PLEASE don’t ask me how he got that from music notes. I have no fucking clue. Also, if he had just watched The Chase from TNG he could have had this thing worked out weeks ago.) They clearly put an asteroid deflector on the surface (not sure how they figure that one either) and it must be broken. So all they have to do is find it, fix it and turn it on in less than four hours on a planet on which they couldn’t even find the Captain.



Salish finally manages to convince the people that Kirok is a false god (true) and brings his angry rabble rousers to the temple and tells everyone it’s BYOR (Bring your own rocks). He maybe should have mentioned that styrofoam rocks + wind = less effective. But what the hell, a muderous mob is a merderous mob, right?

Miramanee can’t just stand by and watch! She’s got to stand by her false god. And be stoned. By her own people.



The appearance of the two scare off the angry mob and they run to aid Kirok… Kirk… whatever. He’s not interested in their help. He’s asking about his wife.

“His wife? Hallucinations?” Spock knows Jim a little better than that.

Nope, he’s married, dude.

Chapel beams down with a medical kit and give Miramanee a shot for the pain and then sees to Kirk. Spock asks her why they were being stoned.

“Kirok could not get back in to the temple.”

And yet another reason I love Spock – his answer to a critically injured woman who firmly believes her husband is a God “Naturally, since he did not come from there.” BAZINGA!

Bones is still busy with Kirok. There’s nothing wrong with his brain, just his memory. So Spock is gonna mind-meld him to health! Huzzah!


It worked! Kirk’s back and he’s checking out his wife pretty closely. Especially the chest-area.

Spock and Kirk try to figure out how to open the door. Kirk tried recreating what he said, maybe the sound is the trigger.


Down in to the obelisk! Press the buttons! Activate the deflector! Save the planet! Run back to your dying wife!

Bones can’t save her. Sorry, dude.

Oh yeah, we didn’t tell her. So… um… she’s probably going to say a bunch of stuff about the future. Sorry about that. Thinking back on it, we should have seen that coming and realised that would probably be kind of harsh. My bad.

Oh, is she dead? Crap.

Um… That’s all we’ve got.


No, I’m not kidding. That’s how it ends. Dead wife, roll credits.


Well, thanks for sticking with me to the end of this one, Trek Fans. Hope it was, at least, entertaining.

Until next time, LLAP. \\//_


Why isn’t this a national holday?

Today isn’t just any day. Today is special. More special even than all holidays rolled in to one. It’s a day I think we should petition to have made a holiday and the whole world could celebrate together.

Today is Star Trek’s 44th birthday.

There is an episode of How I Met Your Mother called “Do I know you?” where Ted finds out that Stella has never seen Star Wars and that if she doesn’t like it, he doesn’t think he can marry her. I know that feeling. I’ve thought things like that myself. Honestly, I think my two biggest deal breakers are Star Trek and penut butter (there are more, but those two are important, dammit.)

I always laugh when Marshall explains just what Star Wars means to Ted. He watches it when he’s home sick, on rainy Sundays, on Christmas Eve. I know that feeling well.

My comfort when I’m sick is TAS and TOS, my rainy Sundays are so full of Trek I can barely recall doing anything but and Christmas eve, when I get home and I finally have some time to just sit, relax and be alone – Trek. I’ve spent Christmas eve hanging out with the Enterprise crew more than a few times.

I made it through every single episode of TNG (in order) and that is a full 7 seasons, in just under three weeks. I’ve seen TOS enough times to quote the lines along with the characters. Hell, I spent weeks putting together a Trek corset, drove all the way to Calgary, fought my way through the crowds, braved the lines just to meet Leonard Nimoy and Brent Spiner.

I had Leonard Nimoy’s signature tattooed on my arm.

There are few things I’m as excited to celebrate.

Now, as far as those deal breakers go… Maybe I should just make up a questionaire for any possible applicants to weed out the hopeless.


Obsession Reviewed

It’s that time again, folks. I know it’s been a while, forgive me.

Obsession come to us from TOS season two and I could keep telling you that these episodes are kind of weird, but I think we can all agree to just accept that. Now, on to the review…

This episode doesn’t spend a lot of time dicking around and gets right down to it. Kirk and Spock are checking things out planet-side and what they’ve found is tritanium. A sparkly rock (like all space rocks) 21.4x harder than diamonds and evidently hollow from the sound of Kirk hitting it with his green chunk of styrofoam (no, that’s not a euphemism).

While Kirk calls up to the ship, someone turns on the fog machine (and I assume the three Ensign Rickys are there to set up the strobe light and disco ball) and cues up the ominous music. Spock, in the meantime phasers of a chunk of tritanium (and by phasers off a chunk, I mean he shoots the sparkly boulder and a bit JUMPS THE FUCK OFF in the most believable fashion).

Kirk, being super careful (and who wouldn’t be after so many space STD scares) gets out his giant plastic tongs to pick up the space rock and hands it to Spock. And thus ends any almost rational action we will see from Kirk for the remainder of the episode.

As soon as he’s passed of his sparkly rock, Kirk is off sniffing around. Literally. A sweet smell in the air is entirely too much like one he’s smelled before. On another planet. Years ago. Spock even points out that it’s the growing season on the planet and that it’s likely just pollen, but Kirk is having none of it.

Cue Ensign Ricky.

Kirk sends all three redshirts off to check it out. Now, this is what Kirk tells them and keep in mind that he suspects that the smell is coming from something dangerous and deadly but hasn’t actually mentioned that to ANYONE.

“Scan for dikironium in the atmosphere. Set your phasers on distrupter-B. If you see any gaseous cloud, fire immediately. You’re on red alert. Make a sweep.”

That’s it. Nothing else. Oh yeah, this is going to end well. Three redshirts and we haven’t even gotten to the opening credits yet.

But wait, that’s not all. Scotty calls down to remind Kirk that the Yorktown is waiting to meet up with them. Uh oh, the pressure is on!

Meanwhile, the Rickys are off looking for sweet smelling gas and the fog machine still wants to party. SPARKLY GAS! It wants to play with the Rickys! But the “sweet smelling” gas (yeah right, Kirk, I’m sure your gas smells lovely) plays about as well with others as Lennie does with mice.

Ensign Ricky and Ensign Ricky hit the dirt choking while Rizzo watches rather than, you know, doing anything. When the fog finally notices our only named redshirt and moves toward him, Rizzo decides making a quick call to the captain is a better idea than, again, doing anything at all.

Kirk and Spock run to the rescue only to find two dead Rickys and one alive Rizzo (surprise, surprise – named guy gets to live… for now). Better beam them up quick. Spock wants to know if Kirk knows what did this (oh yeah, that’s right, because Kirk still hasn’t told anyone anything even when deciding to risk three lives.”

“Something that can’t…” long pause plus mouth squishies “possibly exist. But it does.”

Dramatic music aaaaaaaaaaaand opening credits.

We come back to the Captain’s log explaining pretty much what we already knew. They’re still in orbit, bad shit happened, guys are dead. Rizzo is still unconscious and they’re pumping him full of blood as fast as they can. Spock is all set to go but Kirk wants to stay put. Scotty jumps in again to point out that the Yorktown is still waiting but Kirk isn’t inclined to care.

Now here’s the thing, the Yorktown isn’t just hanging out, waiting to meet them for coffee. They’re waiting to transfer vaccines that are HIGHLY PERISHABLE. Not only are they highly perishable, but they are BADLY NEEDED on Theta VII. All of which is pointed out to Kirk by two of his senior officers including his chief medical officer.

So of course Kirk leaves and heads straight for… oh wait, no. He’s not going to do that. Don’t be silly. That’s not how The Kirk rolls.

No, he’s staying put to investigate two deaths.

Just to clarify, he’s going to risk HUNDREDS if not THOUSANDS of lives to investigate TWO deaths. Everyone clear on that? Because I wouldn’t want that point overlooked at any court martial that may come up in the wake of such incredible stupidity. It’s not even like he’s unaware of what he’s doing either. He actually SAYS that he’s perfectly aware that it might cost lives. You know, to investigate two deaths. And so my headache begins.

Bones tells Kirk what he already knows (wouldn’t it be a whole lot easier if he would just fucking explain what’s going on to everyone already!? Seriously! GAH!) that the dead Rickys are red corpuscle-less which, according to him is… wait for it… medically impossible. Once again, instead of being straight up about everything, Kirk plays secret agent and suggests Bones checks the medical logs.

One more thing Bones, would you mind waking up the critically injured guy so we can have a quick chat? Would that be cool?

Bones basically says that Rizzo is fucked and waking him up wouldn’t make much difference. Dead is dead, right?

Well then, wake him up!

Now, I need to just mention that I love Chapel. But in this episode, I love her x1000. When Bones tells her to shoot up Ensign Deadguy and wake him up, even she looks at them like “Are you out of your goddamned mind?” Her little sigh is so perfect.

But she gives him a shot because, well, orders are orders.

Rizzo wakes up and Kirk starts asking if he remembers what happened. Rizzo is a bit busy worrying about being critically injured and dealing with having been traumatized. But Kirk has no time for his girly whining. He wants to know if Rizzo smelled anything. Well? Did you? Did you!?

Poor Rizzo is almost in tears trying to remember being attacked by something that smelled like being smothered in honey, sucking his blood and Kirk is still badgering him. That’s about all he’s going to get though because Rizzo is out again and McCoy isn’t going to give him another shot.

That’s okay. Kirk got what he came for. Even if Rizzo was just delirious, you know, what with being almost dead and drugged up. By the way, don’t forget to check the medical logs, Bones. No I don’t have time to just explain it to you myself. I’m the goddamned Captain, that’s why!

It’s time for another reminder about the Yorktown, sir.

No time, no time. Call a meeting.

Spock is still scanning the planet and finding nothing (mostly because Kirk hasn’t explained what he should be looking for yet). No life forms here. So Kirk wants him to search for something else. Something so completely different that the sensors wouldn’t register it as a life form (very helpful, thanks Jim).

Nope, no dikironium either.

Well what if it can change what it’s made of?

That face you see Spock make right there. That’s the face that says “you, sir, are an idiot”.

What if it’s intelligent (unlike a certain star ship Captain) and knows you’re looking for it?

You realize what you’re saying is a load of horseshit, right Kirk?

Wait, wait, wait… Kirk just had an idea. It doesn’t happen often, we really aught to make note. But he’s not going to explain it. HEAVENS NO! He’s just going to tell Spock to go look at the medical tapes with McCoy!

And cue redshirt… wait… what’s this? Dramatic music? Close-up on Ensign Ricky? Is this like the Star Trek equivalent of a ringing bell signaling an angel getting its wings? This, folks, is how a Ricky gets his name!

Ensign Garrovick is apparently the son of some other Garrovick that Kirk knows but hasn’t said a damn word about up to this point. Don’t worry though, Garrovick doesn’t want any special treatment. Cool, because Kirk is going to play the jerk card.

Uhura cuts in. Rizzo is dead.

Kirk wants to know if Garrovick knew Rizzo. He did. They were good friends. Graduated together. So does he want a crack at the thing that killed him that Kirk apparently knows all about but doesn’t feel like explaining for some reason? You bet he does.

Cool, then you and a some other cannon fodder… er… security men are going to follow Kirk down to the planet.

Kirk makes the half decently intelligent decision to bring enough Rickys to completely surround him. I can’t help but wonder if he ever considered just doing this all the time. He could assign himself his own personal meat shield… er… body guards.

The Rickys scan and pick up something. So of course, now would be a good time to split up. Garrovick, you take two, Kirk will take the other two. But be careful, this creature is dangerous (too bad you didn’t think to say that earlier, eh Kirk?).

Someone turns on the fog machine again and down comes the evil fog of mystery. After Garrovick stands there for a minute considering his choice of career, he fires in to the fog. Kirk and his team hear the shot and run in to save the day. A little too late however. Two more Rickys bite the dust (well one is dead, the other is pulling a Rizzo). Garrovick it still standing there, looking stupid when Kirk and his Rickys show up.


Kirk is back on his Captain’s log, going over the plot in case you hadn’t been paying attention. Now that another person is dead and one more isn’t likely to make it to the next act break, NOW he’s sure that it’s the same creature that decimated the crew of the Farragut eleven years prior. Wait… did he actually just EXPLAIN WHAT THE FUCK HE’S BEEN THINKING THIS WHOLE TIME? FINALLY!? Oh wait… he put it in his Captain’s log but still hasn’t actually explained anything to anyone on the goddamned crew.


He also says that Spock and Bones are doubtful? You don’t say, Jim. Why on earth would that be?

“Why am I keeping the ship here?”

Um… we’ve all been wondering the same thing for a while, Jim. Maybe that should tell you something?

But there’s no time for doubt now any more than there is time for clear explanations. They have to question Garrovick about the incident. How big was it? What did it look like? Was it psychic?

But of course Garrovick was furthest away from it and never really touched it, or he’d be having himself a dirt nap about now too.

So it hovered for a second and moved towards his guys. It hovered and Garrovick didn’t shot at it. You know, at the fog. Because no one would ever stop and think for a second before thinking “Oh yeah, I should shoot my goddamned phaser at the fog.” and certainly no one would ever be startled by a giant fucking psychic vampire cloud.

The punishment for this negligence? For having the gall to be startled by something? Relieved of all duties and confined to quarters. What, you’re not going to have him flogged too? For the the crime of someone dying while under his command because that seems perfectly reasonable… oh wait.

“You were a little hard on the boy, Jim.”

“He froze. One man was killed. Another may die.”

Oh god, when you say it like that… That IS terrible. Who could have done such a thing, Jim? … Oh wait…

Kirk’s off to the bridge again, away from the judgemental eyebrow raisings of Spock and Bones and he gets there just in time to catch another round of “Captain, we really do need to get a fucking move on, what with Theta VII needing those drugs and people dying in larger numbers than… oh, let’s say 3. And did we mention that not only do people need those drugs but if we don’t move our asses the drugs will be fucked before we even get there?”

But Captain PMS is having none of it. We’re not leaving. So there. Fuck you. And just for good measure, I’m going to yell at Chekov for doing exactly what I told him to do before I storm off to eat a pint of chocolate ice cream and have a little cry.

Meanwhile Spock checks in with McCoy. (I’d like to note that I love this scene. Bones is adorable.) Spock wants to know more about obsession – something Vulcans don’t really “get”. He wants to know if McCoy read all the record tapes of the incident on the Farragut. He hasn’t, with the deaths and what not he hasn’t had time to go through the hours of tapes (too bad he didn’t have someone who had been there who could have summed it up for him and saved him a lot of time. Oh wait…). Spock did get the chance.

He explains (SPOCK EXPLAINS, NOT JIM… GAH!) that half the crew, including the Captain of the Farragut were killed. The Captain was… wait for it… Captain Garrovick. Dun Dun Daaaaaaaaaaaaaa! So Captain PMS is not only being extra douchey for no reason, but he’s being extra douchey with a guy who’s dad was killed by the vampire cloud for doing exactly the same thing he did eleven years ago. Awesome.

Kirk, back in his quarters, ice cream eaten, all finished his cry is making another entry in his captain’s log. Am I overreacting? Am I being a dumb ass? Am I making a lot of really shitty decisions? (yes, yes and yes) Bones stops in the chat, but Kirk is being pouty and gives him the cold shoulder while he checks in with Chekov again. Nothing has changed. Kirk might need another cry.

Bones, who is being a total sweetheart, gives Kirk a pep talk. Don’t worry, be happy, stop letting your guilt make you so insane you’re risking a whole world’s health because of three dead Rickys and some decade old deaths. You know, because it makes perfect fucking sense to delay HOURS if not DAYS on a mission to SAVE PEOPLE to make up for feeling guilty for delaying a few SECONDS, even though no one blames you for that (but I have a feeling a few people might be choked if a few hundred drop dead because of your incompetence and negligence).

But you must understand that, being a balanced, intelligent, responsible Star Fleet Captain.

And finally Bones says what we’re all thinking. “Don’t be so obsessed.”

Captain PMS doesn’t like that one bit. But it’s not good. We’re not talking personal any more, Jim. This is professional. This is medical log entry time. Which requires a command grade witness.

I chose door number one!


They both want to know what everyone wants to know – Why, if you’re aware that Theta VII needs perishable drugs, are we not headed there at top fucking speed?

Because you think the vampire cloud is the same one from eleven years ago? Because you can tell them apart, can you? Does it have a name? I think I’m going to call this one Gary.

Well he felt its intelligence eleven years ago when he was losing consciousness. Because that is the kind of mind-frame you can really trust.

Dangerous or not… you sound like a lunatic.

Now, I’ve seen this bit numerous times and I’m still not sure how Kirk talks his way out of it without ending up strapped down to one of the sickbay beds. But he does. Just in time for Chekov to call him up and tell him that the vampire fog is headed off in to space.

Well slap my ass and call me Sally.

Ludicrous speed, GO!

Since Scotty has broken free of the infinite Theta VII reminder loop, he’s free to point out to Kirk that if they keep going at their current speed, he’s going to tear the whole fucking ship apart and KILL EVERYONE.

What’s that, Scotty? Oh, nevermind – make it go faster.

What the actual fuck…

See? See!? It flies really fast! It must be intelligent, Spock!

Um… not quite, Jim.

Oh and by the way, if we keep going this speed WE’LL BLOW UP! I mean, it’s sweet that you’re so concerned about those three guys who died before, but umm… you’re jeopardising 400 people right now. Just saying.

Oh fine then, you fucking whiner. Slow down. Jerk.

Off the bridge, Garrovick is still hanging out in his room. While this doesn’t seem entirely interesting or even necessary, it is one of my favourite scenes ever and by far the best Chapel scene EVER.

I’d explain it, but you really just need to watch it. Just try to ignore Garrovick being all emo and irritating.

Back on the bridge Chekov tells Kirk that the fog is slowing down. Must be getting puffed out. Maybe it should give up smoking (get it? get it?). Maybe it just wants to fight. Good thing the phasers are ready.

Garrovick finally decides to check out the food Chapel brought him. Soup and a covered plate of… neon marshmallows. Marshmallows? MARSHMALLOWS!? GARROVICK HATES MARSHMALLOWS! They make him so mad that he throws things at vent switches! ARG! Until the Hulk anger wears off and he needs a little nap.

Red alert sounds and Garrovick isn’t going to just sit around. Off to the bridge to ask to go back to work.

But Kirk is too busy firing at the vampire fog to answer stupid question.

Oh no, the vampire cloud has outsmarted Kirk (which still doesn’t prove it’s intelligent) but getting in to the ship thru the number 2 vent and then got in to the ventilation systen in the ship, but not before attacking two people. One dead, one not quite dead (noticing a pattern here?). Good thing they didn’t leave to help out Theta VII like everyone wanted, eh? Because the whole crew is going to be just fine with its two hours of remaining air.

But at least they’re now sure it is in fact a creature. A creature that can throw itself out of time synch making it impossible to kill with a phaser.

Did you catch that, Captain PMS?

But he doesn’t want to hear it. Tell it to someone else, Spock. This dude doesn’t have time for it.

Garrovick it is then.

Hey Garrovick, humans hesitate. It’s kind of a thing with you guys. And I’m not just being nice, that’s not really a Vulcan thing. (One thing, Spock, Kindness is NOT an emotion) See we have this whole logi…. do you smell that?

And on comes that damned fog machine again.

Spock tosses Garrovick out in to the hall and does his best impression of a Dutch boy and the dam, which works about as well as you’d expect with a fog monster and a giant goddamned air vent.

Oh god! Spock must be DEAD… oh wait…

Copper based blood, FTW!

The vampire fog is on the run now. Kirk is praising Garrovick for disobeying orders. Oh yeah, this is great.

So you’re going to apologise, right Kirk? For being a douche earlier? Right? Right? No? good…

Up on the bridge Spock’s lost track of the fog. But Kirk knows where it’s going. Don’t ask how, just trust him. Even if your precious logic tells you that he’s out of his damned mind. See, the voices in his head said “home”. Which is, of course, the planet where the attacks took place eleven years before.

Tell the Yorktown and its perishable meds we’ll be there in TWO DAYS.


Kirk has a plan to deal with the fog. He’s gonna blow it up with anti-matter and attract it with hemoplasm. I can’t see how that could go wrong.

Oh and the blast will blow away half the planets atmosphere. The planet with living shit on it. Which I’m sure isn’t totally against the prime directive, especially when trying to kill an alien creature you know almost nothing about.

One more thing… we might lose whoever we send down to set all this shit up.

Great plan.

Garrovick and Kirk head down to the planet to set the trap. Unfortunately the fog is a little faster than they thought and screws up their plans. Kirk orders Spock to beam them up and detonate the bomb, allowing for a long moment of suspense wondering if Kirk and Garrovick are dead.

Unfortunately for everyone, they’re not. But at least the ship can get a fucking move on to Theta VII.

And so ends another episode.

In the end, I do like this episode. It makes my head hurt and Kirk is all kinds of awful, but Spock, Bones and Chapel have some awesome scenes. Totally worth watching.

Until next time, Trek Fans.



Happy Birthday, Mr. Roddenberry

Not that I want to over shadow Frakes’ birthday, but he happens to share it with someone trekkies worldwide owe a great debt of thanks to.

Gene Roddenberry, a man without whom we would be so much less.

Happy birthday, Mr. Roddenberry. Thanks for everything.

This was recorded for Gene… it makes me laugh every time.

Star Dates

July 2018
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