The Motion Picture rant

I’m not going to rant about the movie as a whole. It is what it is. It’s something more specific than that.

First off, Scotty has proven himself over the years as a competent and reliable chief engineer. When it comes to star ships, he knows what he’s doing. So when he tells Kirk that a) the ship isn’t really ready to go and b) that they’ve been having trouble with the transporters (which is why they’re using a shuttle to get to the ship) you’d think someone would pay attention.

But no.

Even Scotty doesn’t seem to give it much thought after that. You know, the transporter that breaks you down and has to reassemble you, where any malfunction could be fatal. So when they decide that beaming Commander Sonak and another officer over, rather than getting them a goddamned shuttle until everything was actually functioning properly, it makes my head hurt.

This is also one of the most disturbing deaths I can think of. They actually partially reform, screaming in agony, on the Enterprise before being sent back where “What we got back… didn’t live long, fortunately.” Jesus…

Now here’s the second thing, this…

Leonard McCoy - Simple country doctor and noted technophobe

is Bones McCoy. He doesn’t just hate the transporter, it stresses him out, it scares him. Somehow I can’t believe that a transporter that has recently KILLED TWO PEOPLE is going to freak him out any less.

Oh right, the transporter just killed two people. Because the ship isn’t really ready to go and they’re having problems. Problems which apparently include killing people in the most gruesome way possible.

So now can someone explain to me why in the hell anyone would decide that it was in anyway a good plan to beam someone who is afraid of the transporter already over in the death trap of a system the Enterprise is running rather than GIVING THE MAN A GODDAMNED SHUTTLE?

There is a lot of stuff in this movie that makes trekkies around the world cringe and I can put up with most of it, but risking Bones… you’ve got a seriously ranty Late Fines on your hands.

Court Martial Reviewed

What’s this? Another review? What can I say? I’ve been sick in bed for a week and the doctor wants me to stay put for another week still (where’s McCoy when I need him?). I’m bored. So very, very bored.

So this episode is from Season 1 and no where near the weirdness of the later seasons. In fact, it’s a pretty normal episode. It’s got quite a few good things going for it and enough cheese to make the Trek we love. And for once, Kirk is actually in trouble… not for something he actually did though. Which is annoying. I guess we can’t win ever battle.

On to the review.

We start of with a Captain’s Log, good thing too. Apparently we showed up just in time to miss all the fun shit. Our heroes have just been though an ion storm. The ship has been badly damaged (Scotty must be in tears). And one crewman is dead (I’m honestly impressed there’s only one). Kirk decided to stop in at Starbase 11 to repair every thing and give a report to Commodore Stone.

He’s a little curious why Kirk has been over the report three times (my guess… he’s still trying to sound out the big words). Is there an error? No. Just being melodramatic over killing someone. Again.

Oh, and we need your computer logs to confirm this. We’re not just going to “take your word for it” this time.

Kirk radios up to the ship to find out where Spock is with the computer log but Uhura says he should have been there ten minutes ago. Odd, Spock taking his time. Maybe he needed to stop off at the little Vulcan’s room?

The Commodore doesn’t seem too miffed. He’s busy talking up the late Lieutenant Commander Finney. Kirk’s right there with him on that one. No wait, he’s just covering his own ass again. Despite having handed in a report and the soon-to-arrive ship’s log which should all say the same thing.

Speak of the devil and there he is… no, just Spock. Kirk wants to know what took him so long but Commodore Stone just wants those record tapes. He’s not wasting any time either. He’s going to watch them right now.

But wait, who’s this? In walks someone about 20 years too old for the “futuristic sailor girl” look she’s trying to pull off. Seriously, honey, that would be cute if you were 5. On you, you just look like someone who’s creepily insane mother is still picking out their clothes and keeping them confined to their entirely pink, filled to the roof with stuffed animals, “still thinks you’re a baby” room.

Oh, it’s Jame (which they keep pronouncing “Jamie”). Who I guess someone will explain later. And she’s plenty pissed (I would be too, if they stuck me in that costume). Kirk killed her father and… oh, I get it, the dead guy. So this is Jame Finney. Well that explains it all. Or not.

Kirk insists he was his friend but Jame seems pretty damn sure he hated him all his life. That’s why he killed him. Murderer.

Yeesh, Jim. Where’s a run-of-the-mill paternity suit when you need one, huh?

Don’t worry, Spock will show her out. I mean, I guess he could have just nerve pinched her. It’s a lot more effective than a smack.

Commodore Stone, however is finished with the record tapes and he does NOT look impressed. Didn’t Kirk just say that he shot his “friend” in to space AFTER the red alert? Who the hell do you’re think you’re trying to kid? Not Commodore Badass, that’s for damn sure. Go directly to jail, Kirk. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

All that before the opening credits! Whew! Well better get those over and done with. (The opening credits always seem so weird without De. Silly first season.)

Oh dear, I feel another Captain’s Log coming on. That burrito for lunch may not have been a good choice after all.

So the Enterprise is still in orbit. Repairs are underway. Kirk is still stuck on the planet. And now everyone is caught up. Thank Spock for that.

Seems like Kirk isn’t really “under arrest” as he and McCoy are checking out the local bar. Kirk, being Kirk, knows half of the people there. But none of them seem too thrilled to see him. Commander Coldshoulder and his friend Captain Passive-Agressive make it pretty clear that everyone would like him to piss off as quickly as possible. Apparently killing an old friend is still frown upon. Bad luck there, Jim. Good thing you guys aren’t making everyone horribly uncomfortable.

Kirk decides to head off and sulk in private like a man (Nearly taking out a Ricky along the way. Isn’t one death enough!), leaving Bones to drink alone. Don’t worry, Bones, here comes a a hot blonde to save the day (although she’s decided to come out wearing her grandmother’s curtains).

Now, Bones… sweetie… Don’t take this the wrong way. You know I love you. But you have really got to work on your pick up lines. Telling her the dude who just left is Kirk? Maybe not the best angle.

But she knew that. She’s an old “friend” of his. (Good luck finding a woman who wasn’t a “friend of his”.)

And Bones is a friend.

And for some reason she repeats herself. She’s his friend too. And old one. (Is this kind of like asking how someone is doing, them asking you and then you asking them again because you’ve momentarily gone insane?)

Bones doesn’t seem to mind (or notice though), he’s too busy being annoyed that all of his old friends look like doctors. All of Kirks look like her. To be fair, I’m sure Bones hasn’t needed treatment for every space STD known to science. And besides all that, being the smooth southern man he is, he gets her to have a drink with him.

Elsewhere, Commodore Stone starts the inquiry against Kirk to see if they should get on with the court-martialing. He’s got a lot of questions, so hold on to your seats.

Did Kirk know Finney for a long time? Yep, knew him from the Academy. Hell he even named his daughter after Kirk. You remember the one? She was yelling “Murderer” and crying that Kirk hated Finney. Okay… so maybe that wasn’t the best example.

What the hell happened then? We worked together. Finney fucked up. I reported his ass. Finney was a whiney bitch.

And that storm? What the hell happened? There was an ion storm. I sent Finney in to the pod. It was his turn. Prissy bitch or not. Everything was a-okay but that shit sneaks up on you. I signalled a Red Alert and Finney knew to get his ass out of there. I waited and he took his sweet time. So long, Finney.

So why does the computer say you shot his ass in to space before you were even in trouble? What about that, smart guy?

Dunno, Spock’s looking in to it.

Stone’s heard enough. Kirk must be washed up and he knows it. If Kirk doesn’t put up a fuss he’ll just say that he’s incapable of running a starship (true). Possibly… even… mental collapse (symptoms may include random and awkward pauses, irrational behaviour and extreme overacting). But only if Kirk shuts up about the whole thing. Stone will bury it. You know, to protect the service. We wouldn’t want people thinking that a Starfleet Captain killed someone. We’ll just make this all go away. (Maybe Commodore Stone was a member of the Vatican in a past life?)

Kirk’s not gonna put up with this bullshit. No way. He’s a busy man with Rickys to send to their deaths. Just get your damned courth martial together and get this shit over with. Do you realize there are chicks out there to bang while I’m stuck here?

Ah the sweet gentle goodness of another Captain’s Log. The folks for the court martial are on the way. The Enterprise is almost fixed. And Kirk is headed to the bar. He’s got an “old friend” to catch up with. Good thing Areel is still wearing those curtains, she sticks out like a cold sore. McCoy pointed him in the right direction but, even without help, I’m sure he would have sniffed her out on his own.

One thing though, Jim – if a girl can tell you down to the day (don’t let the ambiguous “odd number of days” fool you, she knows), run. She jumped over the crazy line.

Aw, crap. She knows you killed that guy. I mean, you probably should have guess that. She’s a lawyer. Kirk, you have got to start paying more attention to these things. But it’s okay because Kirk is gonna smooth talk his way out of this one. He didn’t do anything wrong, remember. So nothing to worry about, right? Except maybe those nasty rumours that say otherwise.

Jim, this could ruin you.

Shhh, baby. Don’t you worry your pretty little woman brain. I’ve got it covered. But okay, if you insist. Let’s hear the silly thoughts going through that girly head of yours.

Seems simple enough really. It’s Kirk’s word verses the computer. So you probably don’t want your lawyer trying to fight that one. Because the computer can’t be wrong. No, she doesn’t have other options. Just don’t use that one. That one is balls. Maybe check out this Sam Cogley guy, he’s a lawyer. Oh, and one more thing, she can’t help Kirk. Mostly because she’s prosecuting against him.

Zing!

Now that’s gotta burn. he better head back to his quarters to drink it off. But what fuckery is this? The place is full of books! And non of them look like skin mags! The Kirk does not look impressed.

Cogley’s moved all his stuff in. Stuff being books. Kirk thinks a computer takes up less space (and allows you to search for porn) but Cogley is unmoved. He’s a book man. With his own personal library. Which actually sounds awesome until you realize they’re all law books.

All this leads Kirk to one conclusion. He’s either a lunatic or Cogley. Cogley assures him both are true. This aught to be good.

The bell rings and it’s time for class… uh… no, Court Martial. Commodore Stone has brought along a couple of friends and they’re ready to get this party started. The computer rattles off everything Kirk is charged with (but not, unfortunately, everything he’s actually done). Then Spock is up on the witness stand. Well, the witness seat, anyway. The computer even gives us a handy little reminder of who we’re dealing with here (I will never not be miffed that Spock isn’t, at very least, a full Commander).

Through the questioning Spock says he knows all about computers and that, yes, they don’t always work. But the Enterprise computers are working just fine. He still figures the computer is wrong. Working fine but wrong. It’s impossible for Kirk to have shot Finney in to space before the red alert. You don’t need to watch MC drop the Hammer to know he’s just another has-been now.

Okay, I’m gonna stop you right here, Sweetie. “It is impossible for Captain Kirk to act out of panic or malice. It is not his nature.”? I’m sorry, are we talking about the same person? Panic maybe but malice? I know Vulcans don’t drink but I have to ask, are you drunk? And I’m not the only one who’s not buying it. (I’m sorry, it hurts me to have to disagree with you but I couldn’t walk away from that one.)

Cogley doesn’t need any question. (And I see Jame is in the audience, still sporting her space sailor girl outfit.)

Ensign Rickette is up to bat. (I will say seriously though, that I always appreciated the effort to make the cast and extras diverse. It may seem ham-handed, but they were trying.) The records officer and she’s familiar with ALL the service records of the crew (impressive). She even knows about Finney’s fuck up and Kirk ratting him out. That guy, over there. Kirk. That one.

Cogley’s still good. Questions are for suckers anyway.

Bones’ turn. Areel wants to make sure that on top of being a good ol’ country doctor and a surgeon, he’s also an expert in space psychology. But Bones is being modest. But she wants to know is it’s psychologically possible for Finney to have blamed Kirk (duh). Maybe even hated him (you’re getting warmer). So now isn’t it possible that Kirk hated him back? If the guy was such an asshole, wouldn’t he?

Not Kirk. He’s not like that. Hating things or people for little or no reason. It’s just not something you’ll see from him, ever, no matter what. (*sigh*)

Cogley is still maxin’ and relaxin’. But Stone is getting a bit annoyed by his unwillingness to play. But Cogley is just gonna hang out until Kirk is up on the stand. He’s even going to make them listen to his whole file… or most of it anyway.

So Kirk, there was a Red Alert when you pressed the button (we all know how tempting buttons are to push). But Kirk is holding to his story, which he goes over again. (He hasn’t had a chance to make a Captain’s Log lately, he’s probably getting twitchy.) ANd he’d do it all over again.

But Areel’s got video. Oh snap. And it shows him pressing the button early. Double snap. It’s not looking good, Kirk.

Kirk’s still sticking to his guns. (I know. We’re all stunned.) Spock hasn’t found anything wrong with the computer. And hey, maybe the new guy will suck at chess (like the old captain).

Just then Jame shows up again. As we prepare ourselves for more screaming and crying she decides to go with something else. She wants Cogley to talk Kirk in to a ground assignment and to get the charges dropped. It wasn’t his fault. She won’t make a fuss. Which is a little weird coming from the girl who was screaming “murderer” earlier.) See, she read some old letters and papers and now she know how close they were. He couldn’t possibly have killed him. (Unrelated fact: About half of people murdered are killed by someone they know, are related to or are close to.)

At least Cogley looks like he might have an idea.

Back on the ship, Spock is playing chess. Bones isn’t impressed (obviously). The Captain is going down fast and Spock is playing games. And not only is he immune to insults but he’s beaten the computer four times.

Wait… what the what?

The best he should have been able to pull of is a stalemate. Someone’s been fucking with his chess program! And that person is surely going to pay! Oh yeah and it shows that someone was screwing around with stuff. So the Captain’s probably saved or something. So down to the planet they’ll go.

Court is already starting up though so they’re gonna have to haul ass if they want to get there in time. And it’s barely the knick of time. It’s starts Cogley off on a flowery speech about rights and wants to move the court on to the Enterprise to show off his new evidence.

The court gives in and they all head up. Spock shows them his faulty chess game. And that might indicate that other things have been messed with. Oh yeah and Finney could have done that. Weird. Because they searched the whole ship for him. Kirk checked the ladies quarters and everyone else checked the rest. They didn’t find Finney.

But they were looking for him like he wanted to be found. They didn’t use the “Hide-and-go-seek” style of search. Maybe Finney is just this years “Hider of the Year”. Maybe he’s not dead!

To prove it, everyone but a few people and the court need to get off the ship. Once they’re all gone, Spock hit’s the Techno music and it’s time for the rave… wait… no, that’s just their heart beats. Bones has a fancy mic that will cancel out the sound of everyone’s heartbeat. THen there’s the guy in the transporter room.

“Spock, eliminate his heart beat.” Interesting choice of words, Kirk.

But there’s one left. Finney. Dun dun dun! Kirk’s gonna find him too, while Cogley goes to get his daughter (I love fun family reunions).

Sure enough Finney is alive and Kirk tries to talk him down. Finney seems plenty pissed though. He’s got a phaser and crazy beard, this could get ugly. He’s tapped out the power and the ship is going down. Be careful, Kirk, he’s rambling.

Oh, Finney, did we mention that your daughter is on the ship you’re going to crash? Ain’t that a bitch.

It’s time for those stunt doubles to earn their money and for Kirk to rip his shirt. I can only imagine how long he’d been waiting for that to happen. He’d probably been pouting for days. Ripping it himself back at his quarters.

Finney gives up and tells them where he sabotaged things and the ship is saved. Hurrah. And Kirk is saved. Goody. Everything is back to normal, Kirk even gets in a kiss AND a “don’t call me, I’ll call you”.

And off they warp, in to the big black yonder.

Well, I hope you had a good time. I certainly did. Until next time, Live Long and Prosper.

-Late Fines.

It’s the new way to sneeze

I decided the other day that I’m tired of the standard “Gesundheit” and I have never said “Bless you” when someone sneeze. So I’ve decided from now on to just say “Live Long and Prosper” which makes just as much sense.

I mean the first is wishing you good health and the second is trying to stop your soul from escaping through your nose.

LLAP is actually pretty close to Gesundheit.

So if you sneezed while reading this (or if you didn’t) – Live Long and Prosper.

–Late Fines.

The Man Trap Reviewed (or Happy Anniversary, Trek)

You know what today is, kids? Today is a very special day. It’s the 45th anniversary of our beloved Star Trek. So to celebrate, you get a review of the first episode to air.

The Man Trap is delightfully cheesy, with its over-the-top Salt Vampire. It also has one of my very favourite scenes of all time (more on that later). Say what you like about it, it marks the beginning of 45 years of Trekked out nerdy awesomeness.

Now, on to the review!

We meet our crew as they orbit planet M-113. Kirk reads out his Captain’s Log and Spock is on the bridge in temporary command. Down on the planet, Kirk, Bones and Ensign Ricky (who has cleverly tried to disguise himself as a Blue Shirt) have just beamed down. It’s time for routine medical examinations of archeologist Robert Crater and his wife Nancy (which is totally a good enough reason for the Captain to leave his ship).

For some reason, Kirk also thinks it’s necessary to include that Nancy Crater is McCoy’s old girlfriend. Sometimes, I swear, Kirk doesn’t really know the difference between a Captain’s Log and a personal diary. “Dear Diary, today I did captainy stuff and Bones got all girly over some broad he used to bang.”

Kirk goes in to “high school jock” mode and tries to tease Bones about bringing his old girlfriend some flowers. “Is that how you get girls to like you, by bribing them?” Uh, Bones, sweetie, it’s not called “bribing” if it’s a space prostitute.

But they don’t have time to screw around all day (unless some hot chick shows up, am I right, Kirk?) and off they go to find the professor. Who is, unfortunately, not home.

Bones takes the opportunity to go over the “lost love/yeah, this is a plot point so pay attention” part of the story again, making sure to mention that it’s been ten years but never really going in to detail about what happened or why in that way that only 60s tv could. Right on cue, Nancy arrives.

She hasn’t aged a day (at least according to Bones, as this is the first time we’ve seen her) and, best of all, she remembers Bones. Huzzah. But wait… When Kirk looks at her, something seems different. (Personally I think this is how Kirk sees life most of the time. Girls are either “hot enough to bang” or “Fugly”.) Maybe they’re trying to hint at something with such camera trickery. Oh those subtle bastards…

No, no! That MUST be it. Ensign Ricky sees something different too. He sees a young, blond chick. Then Ensign Ricky reminds us all why his kind are usually kept quiet. “Ma’am, if I didn’t know better, I would swear you were a hooker I picked up on Wrigley’s Pleasure Planet.” (Wrigley’s Pleasure Planet? Really? Holy ridiculous planet name, Batman.)

Somehow, Bones finds this offensive and puts Ricky in his place. Kirk, who understands running in to chicks he’s screwed, sends Ricky to wait outside. He even goes to follow him (I assume to get any more info about this girl from Ricky that he can) but Nancy tells him to stay.

We wouldn’t want “Plum” to examine her alone.

First, I’m so glad THAT’S not a nickname that stuck and second, this always seems like the most awkward attempt to lure anyone in to a threesome I’ve ever seen.

Bones misses the hint and decides to wait for the professor. Nancy gives up and goes to get him, luckily for Ricky, who’s waiting just outside the door. If Bones isn’t going to take the bait, she’ll just have to take Ricky along for a walk. Apparently Starfleet needs to start show more of the safe sex films to the men.

CUE THE THEME MUSIC!

Back on the planet, we’re treated to a supplemental log which, from the sounds of things, was recorded after all was said and done (and someone took the time to explain it to Kirk). That’s right, they were all seeing a different Nancy. You weren’t just going crazy. It wasn’t the biggest continuity screw up of all time. Good thing we’ve got that all cleared up.

Watch out guys! There’s an angry and horrible beast headed right for you… oh wait… it’s just Professor Crater come to bid you a warm welcome. A welcome which sounds an awful lot like “I hate you. Get the fuck off my planet.” But I’m sure he means it in the nicest way possible. Oh and they need salt. Nothing else. Just salt. Because of the heat. Then they can get back to getting the hell off his planet. (It’s actually a little known fact that space archeologists view Starfleet captains and medical officers with the same distain as elderly male stereotypes view children who play on their lawns.)

Bones is having none of it. He has a job to do and, by God, he’s going to do it. Kirk even steps in to help by quoting regulations (showing that he knows them, he just doesn’t think they apply to himself).

Crater chills out long enough for Bones to take a look and to ask if he’s the McCoy Nancy has talked about. Which is weird because you’d think his wife would have told him who was waiting for him. I guess he just happened to get there before Nancy had a chance to find him and he’s happy she had a chance to visit with company. See he enjoys the solitude but, what with her woman-ness, well, you know… (I know, personally, my womanosity requires I have constant company or my “women’s issues” flair right up.)

Bones figures the solitude hasn’t aged her at all. She’s like a girl of 25. Kirk aims for tact and misses. She’s got some greys and she’s “handsome”. How flattering. Sorry, Crater.

Crater isn’t miffed though. Suddenly he’s Mr. Manners and it’s more of a creepy change than a welcome one. He’s sure the next time they see her, she’ll be closer to a believable age. Yeah, that’s a totally normal thing to say.

One final step in his medical exam, Bones wants to see Crater’s tonsils and then they’re done. Open up, Crater. There’s no need to scream. Especially not like woman. That’s just awkward… oh shit. That’s not Crater. It’s Nancy! Better run to the rescue!

Oh dear… Nancy’s standing over a dead Ricky, screaming (why do people in the movies and on TV always do that? “They’re dead! I’m just going to stand here and scream!”). Kirk runs to Ricky and Bones runs to Nancy (watch this carefully, it’s something you’ll likely NEVER SEE AGAIN). Ricky has something in his mouth and red patches all over his face.

Kirk wants answers. One of his crewmen is dead. Think of all the paperwork.

Nancy couldn’t find Crater and was coming back. She wanted to tell Ricky that it was cool that he said she looked like a hooker. No hard feelings. But, stupid Ricky, he’d grabbed a random plant and was chowing down. Someone really should have mentioned how poisonous the plants are, this is how accidents happen.

But Bones, don’t you believe her totally believable and entirely plausible story?

Oh yeah, sure. It’s something else. He was probably just trying to remember if he left the iron plugged in. Don’t worry, he can finish the exams later.

“Or you could not and just screw off now.” Crater does love to offer helpful solutions.

“Nope. We’ve gotta sort this shit out so I don’t end up getting blamed.” and Kirk has them beamed back up to the ship.

“Don’t forget the salt!”

Back on the ship, Spock is still in charge and ruling with an iron fist (or at least checking everyones work and pointing out errors). Uhura doesn’t seem overly thrilled and just a tad Jan Brady “Frequencies! Frequencies! Frequencies!” but don’t fret, this is just how she flirts. Then moving from subtle to awkward she starts asking him to tell her she’s pretty and ask if she’s ever been in love.

Um… Uhura… he’s your commanding officer. Not one of your woman friends.

“Tell me how your planet Vulcan looks on a lazy evening when the moon is full.” (Am I the only one who wishes he’d look at her and say “Plagued by werewolves, now get back to work.”?)

Spock, being Spock, answers the only way he can. “Vulcan has no moon, Miss Uhura.”

“I’m not surprised, Mr. Spock.” Well I should bloody well hope not. You’re the communications officer on a Starfleet ship and you forgot that one of the most important races in the federation doesn’t have a moon? Really? Isn’t that a pretty basic piece of information?

Whoops… Kirk is back. Someone’s dead.

Uhura changes gears again. Pissy sass talk in 5-4-3-2-1… commence!

“Kirk could be dead and you’re not visibly upset! It’s not like you have any other friends!”

Spock sticks to his guns. It’s almost like he’s some kind of trained officer and… you know… a Vulcan.

Bones and Kirk, meanwhile, have moved to Sickbay with the dead Ricky. Spock checks in to let them know that the plant Ricky had in his mouth was similar to Earth’s own Nightshade. It’s poisonous alright but no one ever mentioned red facial splotches.  Oh and Ricky wasn’t poisoned by anything like that. (Bones should know, he is a doctor after all and not some other profession that has nothing to do with medicine. ::ahem::)

WTF, Nancy? It’s almost like you just made all of that up!

You know, now that we’re talking about it, Ricky shouldn’t even be dead! There’s not a damn thing wrong with him! Maybe he’s just goldbricking! Lazy bastard! And Nancy was hot when I first looked at her! Then she was old! Why am I talking about her again!?

Some days it doesn’t take much to set Kirk off. “That’s right! I’ve lost a man! I have a chance to be dramatic and ranty and, as God as my witness, I’ll never go hungry again… wait… no, uh, something else.”

CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC AND COMMERCIAL BREAK FOR IMPACT!

Kirk goes back to the refuge of his Captain’s Log. It’s time for the reminder that they’re in orbit around M-113 and that a Ricky is dead.

INTERRUPTING UHURA! The Enterprise is, apparently, carrying some cargo that a starship base urgently needs. They’re wondering what the hold up is.

“Tell him to have a siesta and eat a burrito, we’ll get him his chilli peppers when I’m good and ready. Hasta la vista, baby.”

Spock’s hit a dead end with the plant. There’s nothing about it that is consistent with the Ricky’s death. Bones, however, has found something. Something that will cue the DRAMATIC MUSIC!

Down in Sickbay, he shows them. Ricky is completely salt free. Dun-Dun-DAAAAAAAAA!

But how? There isn’t a mark on his body. Except those marks. On his body.

And the Craters did seem to be a little bit too interested in getting some salt.

Well, time to head back to the planet!

Crater says something (once they’ve beamed down) that I’ve been thinking all along. “One would think that you had more important duties than harassing people, Captain.” But we all know that there is nothing more important to Kirk than harassing people and harass he shall! He’ll harass both of you. Once he’s found Nancy, who’s off on her own.

Ricky 2, go find her! And for the love of God, don’t eat anything!

Ricky 3, go beam up that plant so Spock can take a look! You don’t eat anything either!

“Remember when I told you to get the hell of my planet?”

“Yeah, yeah, we’re here to save you. Maybe. Oh and Dead Ricky died from lack of salt while you guys kept asking for salt tablets. Weird, huh?”

“Look, we need salt because it’s hot here. We’re out of salt. It’s not weird. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to sneak away!”

Crater disappears with a handful of salt tablets and finds Nancy kneeling over more dead Rickys. He has salt for her but Kirk and Bones interrupt him before he can get it to her. Good thing she has magic powers so she change shape. Presto-Change-o, instant Ricky!

“Dammit! Another dead Ricky! We have to go back to the ship!” So Kirk, Bones and Nancy/Ricky beam up.

Back on the ship the Ricky Monster spots Yeoman Rand carrying a dinner tray complete with salt. Which she sprinkling on space celery. Too bad Janice is quick. Ricky Monster tries to grab the salt but Janice is there to slap his hand. What’s the matter with you, trying to steal someone else’s food… omnomnom, Sulu’s space celery.

Ricky Monster even tries following her but Sulu’s plants are scary and he takes off running, pausing to try and sucker Uhura by speaking Swahili. Damn you, interrupting intercom!

Cut to MY FAVOURITE SCENE EVER!

Can I just take a second to say “God. Damn.” and also to ask why in the hell McCoy wasn’t in that black tee a whole lot more often? Because there is nothing about him in that shirt that doesn’t make me happy… ::coughinmypantscough:: The fact that he’s in bed does not help (or hinder, depending on how you look at it). As much as I could do without the weird call to Kirk (and the creepy coloured something or others he’s eating), I’ll put up with it for the little pill bottle flip.

Okay… back to the show.

On the bridge, Spock can’t find anyone on the planet and Kirk is still eating, what appears to be, children’s building blocks. He’s had enough of this fancy “searching with the ship” nonsense. It’s back down to the planet!

Elsewhere on the ship, after having failed with Rand and Uhura and then nommed another Ricky, Nancy’s found McCoy’s quarters (who’s put his uniform back on… ::sigh::). McCoy’s glad to see she’s safe, but why didn’t anyone tell him? Don’t ask silly questions. Give the lady a hug. The married lady. Right… shit.

“Forget about him. I like your feelings better. Much… stronger…” Yeah, Nance… that’s not creepy at all. “But you’re tired. You need to rest.” Subtle… “Here, let me drug you.”

Out in the hall, Rand and Sulu stumble on the recently nommed Ricky (to her credit, Janice doesn’t scream). CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC!

Captain’s Log time again and, really, some people might have been lost after that last commercial break.

McCoy is in bed and Nancy Monster is still with him, rubbing his face in a sincerely awkward and creepy way. (every time I watch this scene it weirds me out so much that I find it distracting. All I can think is “What the hell is she doing? Who does that!? Stop it, you creepy weirdo!”) Good thing she talked him in to taking those sleeping pills because the INTERRUPTING INTERCOM is up to its old tricks again.

Well we’ve got you this time. He’s asleep! So there!

Okay, now bite your finger so that when we pan away and then back to McCoy Monster, we’ll know it’s still you! Good work. Now, McCoy Monster, off to the bridge!

CAPTAIN’S LOG! Wait… wait… it almost sounds like Kirk is figuring it out. My guess is, Spock explained it on the way down. They need to find Crater to try and sort it all out.

Too bad Crater’s not in the mood for talking. He’s more in the mood for shouting. (you’ll never guess. He wants them to piss off.)

“Okay, but where’s your wife?”

“I have a gun! Get off my lawn!”

INTERRUPTING COMMUNICATOR! More dead Rickys, Sir. This time on the ship.

Spock wanders off and … what fuckery is this? HEY! IT’S THAT RICKY WE BEAMED UP WITH! I BET THAT GUY WAS THE MONSTER! Better tell the ship.

Well, back to Crater. We need to talk to hi… OH SNAP! He wasn’t kidding about the gun. Although shooting at captains won’t get them off the planet. No, no. It will only trigger THE WIGGLE RUN!!!

Back on the ship, it’s all adding up. Creepy Ricky trying to steal the salty space celery, Swahili Ricky in the hall. But wait… that’s not McCoy! It’s McCoy Monster!

Planet side it’s all wiggle run, sneaky sneaking and belly crawling. Kirk gets in a shot on stun and suddenly Crater isn’t quite so uppity. They get his phaser away from him and he starts to explain. Nancy isn’t Nancy. It’s a thing that killed Nancy… two years ago.

Wow… that’s really creepy and gross.

So for two years he knew it was pretending to be his dead wife, that it killed? Yeah. Ew.

Back on the ship the creature hasn’t gone near the salt traps. Mostly because it knows about them. It’s even giving them advice as McCoy.

Crater, on the other hand, is being far less helpful. He wants to keep his creepy fantasy.

Kirk isn’t dicking around. He wants the creature gone.

Spock suggests truth serum and Kirk goes for it. He sends him with McCoy and Crater to Sickbay. You can guess how long it takes McCoy monster to attack them both once they’re alone. Good thing Spock isn’t human.

While everyone rushes to sickbay, Nancy Monster runs back to McCoy. I guess the drugs haven’t completely worn off because Nancy telling him that everyone is trying to kill her sounds perfectly plausible to Bones. Attacking the Captain, also totally something Nancy would do… right?

Spock disagrees and tries to prove his point by REPEATEDLY PUNCHING HER IN THE HEAD but it still certainly looks like Nancy. Even after she tosses Spock across the room.

Oh wait… shit. Nancy wasn’t really in to throwing people. Actually, a lot of this seems a little out of character for her.

Whoops. Nancy, your disguise is slipping a bit.

Finally Bones breaks down and shoots her. But like the thing that wouldn’t die, she turns to plead with him not to kill her. Bones steels himself again and shoots.

Nancy is dead and all that remains is a really ugly monster that makes all of those romantic scenes seem really awkward.

Back on the bridge and Kirk is looking melancholy. Thinking about the buffalo.

And off they go… to more adventure.

CUE CREDITS!

Alright guys, that’s it for now. Thanks for celebrating the 45th with me. And thanks to everyone who brought us 45 years to celebrate.

Happy Anniversary, guys!

Happy Birthday, Mr Takei!

Happy birthday, Sir.

Thanks for continuing to be awesome.

Happy birthday, Mr. Nimoy

Happy birthday and many more!

Happy birthday, Mr. Shatner!

Not only is it International Talk Like William Shatner Day, it’s also his birthday!

Happy birthday, Sir! And many more!

I know… I know…

It’s been more than a week.

Sorry, this week has been balls. I’m aiming for this weekend. Honest.

Back at it

Hi all,

Sorry I’ve been slacking for the last while. Life got busy and I had things I needed to handle before I could devote a lot of energy here. Not that this is work, really. I love Trek and hardly a day goes by that I don’t make some kind of reference, watch an episode or just ramble on until everyone around me is ready to scream. Just, life gets in the way of sitting down and writing sometimes.

Anyway, enough excuse making.

I’m back.

I know. I know. You’re all terribly excited. I understand. I’m even going to make you a promise – Within one week, I will post another episode review (really, I have a blast writing them). Deal?

Cool. Now, someone get me a cup of raktajino and let’s get back to work.

Happy Birthday, DeForest!

Happy birthday to one of my very favourite people and the best doctor and chief surgeon Star Fleet has ever had.